It was another dreary day for the members of Ravioli as they returned from their third Tribal Council in a row. Earl decided to try and smooth over the giant crack that is Ravioli, and sat his tribe down for a pow-wow.
Ravioli group therapy is as much as a failure as everything else they do. Instead of tearily talking about his feelings and snacking on complementary biscuits, Rocky took this opportunity to take a few swipes at his favourite punching bag, Anthony.
Rocky’s objection to Anthony is not limited to Anthony whining over bad challenge performances – although I have seen a lot more of Rocky whining about Anthony’s whining than I have of Anthony doing the whining. Rocky hates Anthony because of his refusal to stick to gender roles. No, Anthony’s not parading around the island in a pink swimsuit with coconut shells for boobs or anything like that. He is however apparently girl-like in the way he acts.
“You’re like a broad,” Rocky told him before adding, “No offense to the girls.” Yes, that makes it so much less offensive, Rocky! Thank you for your sensitivity and tact. Your honorary tea-set is on its way to you from the Feminist Society of Fiji as we speak.
Rocky further admonished Anthony to be a man, which, according to Rocky, means he should be a marble-mouthed caveman who grunts a lot. In a confessional, Anthony told us about his self-esteem problems as a child and cried. Anthony! Wipe those womanly tears away at once! Don’t you know real men only cry at sports games or when they’re hit in the balls?
At Motorola, the topic of conversation was how awesome the tribe was, as I am sure it is quite often. Lisi and Stacy bathed in the impossibly blue sea (Mark Burnett makes sure it’s chlorinated while dumping toxic waste in Ravioli’s side) and praised themselves for getting along so well with everyone as well as their alliance-making skills. You might want to wait until an actual vote comes up before extolling the virtues of your strategic skills, girls.
All was not well, however. Papa Smurf was having trouble breathing. One might say it was making him…blue in the face *rimshot*. Not just that; he was feeling so lightheaded that the world was spinning.
Yes, he looks glum. But you'd be glum too if this was your world:
He compared it to being in Vietnam. Really? Head-spinniness is as bad as being in a war? I bet he wasn’t really in ‘Nam. He just saw Apocalypse Now once while he was on acid and thinks he was there. Everyone knows Smurfs weren’t allowed to serve in the US army back then.
Luckily for him, Motorola were two people up on Ravioli and could comfortably sit out him and Lisi for the Reward Challenge. The challenge was another porn-y one which saw the castaways have to cross a narrow beam by straddling their tribemates.
Ravioli started off well with Michelle wrapping her tiny body across her tribemates with ease. Lisi was not so comfortable with full-body-contact and repeatedly fell off. No, I don’t know why the great minds of Motorola didn’t have their smallest, lightest people go first.
Survivor Kama-Sutra position no. 53: the frogThe Raviolis are masters at snatching defeat from the jaws of victory and quickly lost all their momentum, thanks in part due to Anthony’s lack of balance. He was probably falling off on purpose so that Rocky didn’t get uncomfortable with man-on-man contact and go all gay panic on him.
Survivor Kame-Sutra position no. 26: the corkscrewMotorola won a fish dinner and king-sized bed. They don’t already have one? Next up for them, an entire bedroom suite and multimedia entertainment system. Between this and the challenges, I think Jeff may be trying to get some of these people to hook up. The fish dinner might not sound romantic but I’ll bet he pumped those guppies full of pheromones.
Rocky was none-too-pleased, to put it mildly. He was full of Righteous Anger and looked like he might pop a blood vessel at any second. Roid rage is scary, yo. He criticised the lameness of his teammates and wondered “Why bother to go to Tribal Council? Why not call Jeff on the Jeff-Phone and ask him to come over right now?”
Don’t be silly, Rocky. There’s no such thing as a “Jeff-Phone”. Everybody knows if you want to contact Jeff, you have to put up a Jeff-Signal.
In the middle of this Very Serious Rant, Michelle cheerfully wondered if they had any firewood. Come on, with all the sections in Michelle’s brain marked “cutesiness”, “bitchiness” and “Meeeeee!”, do you really think there’s space for one that deals with paying attention to what’s going on around her? She’s your cat, personified. Think about it.
Incidentally, and Anthony should take note of this, it’s more than OK to whine about doing badly at challenges as long as you act like a total rage-monkey about it.
Calm down, RockyA visit to Motorola revealed that the bed and fish dinner had worked – Liliana was acting as the menfolk’s own personal masseuse. Lisi was not pleased and hoped the men had more sense to be fooled by Liliana’s sweet words and sweeter massages. Lisi was quite aware of what she called Liliana’s “diabolical Mexican mind”. Guh, what? The camera cut away, presumably before Lisi could start ranting about US immigration laws and “those goshdurn illegals stealin’ our jobs!”
Stacy's discovered the 'vibrate' button on the bedGary was impersonating a corpse. The others, worried that the impersonation would turn real soon enough, called the medics on their Medic-Phone. Gary admitted defeat and decided to quit the game.
What??!! Because of lightheadedness? I thought Smurfs were made of tougher stuff than that. Why, I am currently suffering of a deadly and debilitating illness (OK, a cold) but you don’t see me quitting writing this article just because my sinuses feel like Dreamz is doing a cheer routine in them. In my day, the only way Survivors would quit is if they were airlifted out with limps falling off, and even then they would have to be restrained by seven strong men and a gorilla to stop them from going back into the game.
Lisi, she of the not-so-diabolical, not-so-Mexican mind, was happy to see the tribe thinned out a bit. On the other hand, Alex was disappointed because he remembered that they were still in the group game and this was eating into their advantage.
Back to Ravioli where Rocky announced, “I’ve gone crazy, bra”. I suspect he didn’t have far to go. How crazy was he? When Michelle was reading out the treemail, Rocky made his grand entrance completely in the nude.
He said this was to lighten the mood at camp before the challenge. I’m not sure what nudity will accomplish other than spurring his tribemates to lose so they can get rid of his blurred ass. Just like Sly Stallone can’t do comedy, nor can Rocky. He also dressed himself up in island drag. Stop it, Rocky. You’re setting a bad example for the children. And Anthony.
Time for the cavity search!Aside from the Immunity Idol, the IC also offered up a mysterious note as a prize. And here’s where my copy-and-paste buttons come in handy: Ravioli lost again. The note was of the twisty variety: to keep living in their luxury camp, Motorola had to give up the Idol to Ravioli.
Motorola, spoiled fools that they are, took a quick vote and picked the king-sized bed over immunity. What a stupid, entitled lot, giving up their numbers advantage for a bit of comfort. Why not just go home then if sleeping well is more important than getting as far in the game as you can? How many times have we seen overconfident teams needlessly throw away their numbers advantage only to have it bite them in the backsides?
The first thing that Dreamz did when they got back to camp was to call a meeting to decide who to vote out by group consensus before they “all turn into snakes”. Oh wow wow wow. If he were any more out of his depth, he’d be a deep sea squid.
I wonder what Dreamz would have done if the rest of the tribe had nodded and told him, “Why thank you, Dreamz. You’re completely right. We should all vote for you in order to avoid scheming and plotting”? They didn’t and Dreamz gave his opinion on who should go. “I don’t want to point any fingers at anyone,” he said before literally pointing his finger at both Lisi and Cassandra.
Because of her alliance, Lisi was safe. Cassandra was in the hotseat however, until Lisi suggested to her alliance that they vote off Liliana instead. Why all the Lilana hate? Lisi’s just jealous Liliana hasn’t offered to give her a massage.
Alex did not agree with Lisi and wondered why you would vote someone out who’s as strong as the men. I don’t know, why would you voluntarily choose to give up immunity and have to vote someone out at all? I can only assume tropical brainrot is involved.
At Tribal Council, Lisi described Dreamz’ plea for peace and harmony, calling it a soliloquy. Nice big word there, Lisi, but it’s not a soliloquy if he’s talking to other people, dumbass. Dreamz explained himself, mangling soliloquy into “shaquille-loquy”. Hey, while the rest of us were learning to read and write, he was a pupil at the school of hard knocks.
As a nice bit of foreshadowing to the upcoming results of the vote, Cassandra talked about how great a person Liliana was and how she knew she’d go far in the game. Snigger. A minute later, the rest of the tribe voted Liliana out.
Liliana’s final words were all about how lucky her tribemates were to have voted her out otherwise she would have won the game. Save it for Loser Lodge, kid, because that’s where all the “winners” go.
Next week: The bout of the century! Rocky takes the ring once again and threatens to take a swing at challenger, Dreamz!