On the one hand, I am happy Poverty got the boot because well, she’s Poverty. I give a small prayer of thanks whenever one of these idiot Raro types get kicked out.
On the other hand, why is Adam still there? Whhhhyyyyy?
We opened on a mournful shot of Jonathan’s hat which reminded me once again just how sad it was to see his entertaining, game-changing ass gone. Poverty and Adam gloated that they were still around and he wasn’t, thus bringing the universe back in balance and proving the existence of a just God. At least that’s what they were implying.
Even Jonathan's hat is pariah in AitutongaSmirk not, my pretties, because guess who’s next on the Aitu chop-list? Even Adam and Poverty realised that they were on the chopping block and wondered what they could do to save themselves. “We’re trying to find some way of cracking the alliance,” said Adam. Please. The only thing Adam can crack is coconuts with that bloody thick head of his.
When the treemail arrived, I thought for one hopeful second that it was freeform and the writers had finally given up on their awful little rhymes. There was a bad rhyme right at the end so it appears that the writers have not actually abandoned rhyming completely, just almost run out of them.
Since “mud” is one of the few words they can still find rhymes for, the Reward Challenge was one involving mud. Poverty perked up at Yul’s suggestion that it might be mud wrestling for she doubtlessly has years of experience. Favouritism! If the Immunity Challenge is wrestling nude in a vat of jelly, then I call foul.
Sexy mud wedgieTurns out the challenge wasn’t of the wrestling variety. The contestants had to roll around in mud and then squeeze as much as they could off of themselves and into a bucket within a set time limit.
"I knew I should've gotten these upgraded to Double Ds before coming on the show."Ozzy was a pro at making a mountain out of a mudhill and quickly filled his bucket to the brim. There were many vaguely porny shots of muddy body parts being squeezed lovingly. There were also less welcome vaguely scatological shots of hovering muddy bums over buckets.
Outtakes from a twisted German porn video.When it was finished, they all looked like something out of a prehistoric movie. “My head is so heavy,” Adam complained. That’s just the rocks rolling around in there, Adam.
The Creature from the Black Lagoon LIVES!!Ozzy won, surprise surprise, and as second- and third-placers respectively, Poverty and Yul got to go with him on the reward. Whaddya know, guess Poverty’s B-cups did do the job. Adam was sent to Exile Island and Sundra and Becky made muddy tracks back to camp.
Sundra and Becky headed to the tent to talk about their concerns about Ozzy. They did not go wash the gunk off. They talked and strategised but I can’t tell you exactly what they said because I was too busy shouting at them to take a dip in the ocean or stand in the rain or something.
A similarly muddy Yul, Ozzy and Poverty arrived at the spa looking forward to their showers. Ozzy had a message scrawled in the mud across his chest; something like “I love PT”. He should’ve written “Wash Me” instead.
Not like that, you perves. The reward does not include sexually available locals.
"I guess I can skip the mud therapy portion of this spa."Poverty was happy to have her chance to sway Ozzy to her side. Because she is physically incapable of coming up with any other strategy than flirting, she suggested a skinny dip in the hot tub with Ozzy and Yul. This show and its threesomes.
Why do I suddenly feel like I'm watching an episode of Big Brother?Poverty worked her dubious magic on Ozzy as Yul looked on bemusedly. I have a feeling Ozzy is right at home in a nude hot tub situation if his previous Playboy experience is anything to go by.
When the newly clean trio got back to camp, Sundra and Becky voiced their concerns about Ozzy’s challenge studliness. Yeah, I can see how constantly and convincingly kicking your asses in the challenges might be a problem.
As if to prove them right, Ozzy completely owned the Immunity Challenge and once again beat them all convincingly. Come on, as soon as it was revealed that it was a balancing obstacle course, was there any doubt that the Seamonkey wouldn’t win it? What I don’t understand is why no-one used any of the puzzle pieces they had to take across the balance beams to, you know, balance.
With Ozzy safe from votes, Yul and co turned their attentions to Adam and Poverty and which of them would be a bigger threat. He decided that he’d underestimated Poverty (!!!) and said that she might be a bigger threat than Adam because of her co-ordination and agility. Notice how factors like intelligence and cunning aren’t considered when it came to Adam and Poverty.
Adam and Poverty did try one last ditch effort to get Ozzy on their side, by offering him pretty much nothing. Like he would really have incentive to switch sides and force an unnecessary tie, especially when Yul still has the hidden immunity idol. Start packing your headgear, Adam and Poverty.
Catching sight of Jonathan’s defiled hat, Yul decided to bring it with him to TC and give it back to its owner. Aw, that’s sweet. And makes a good impression on the jury which is probably more important at this point. Jeff grilled Yul on whether it was a genuinely nice act or an obvious move to appease the jury. I like to think it’s a little of both because that’s the kind of guy Yul is. Anyway, if there’s any jury member likely to appreciate a nice bit of strategising like making a sweet gesture towards one of the jury, it’s Jonathan.
Speaking of the jury, I seriously had no idea Rebecca was on the jury until last night. I literally did a double-take at the TV when I noticed her sitting there and was all confused until I remembered she had been voted out along with Bitchface Jenny who has been there all along.
In other shocking news, Jeff finally learned to pronounce Poverty’s name properly. A good thing too considering the four votes she got. I guess I should start spelling it Parvati again? Na, it just looks weird like that.
Poverty was voted, Adam grinned like a gorilla who’d just discovered an eternally fruitful banana tree and I cried out in abject frustration. Freakin’ Adam.
"Tee hee, if I smile my charmingest smile at Jeff, he'll never snuff out my torch." In her final words, Poverty was proud of how much she had learned about herself. Such as whether boob-jiggling works better than bum-jiggling. She was proud that now if she were dropped into the wilderness, she would be able to take care of herself. The gutted fish you could barely look at a few weeks ago disagrees, Poverty.
Next week: Drama, lies, tears, bitterness, self-righteousness and plenty of flashbacks. Plus a brand new shocking twist. Who will have the whiniest jury speech? Who will look worse cleaned up than they do on the island? And who will walk away with one million dollars?