Jonathan is a two-timing bastard. No, a three-timing bastard!
And I love it. I hope this becomes a running theme and he spends the rest of the season switching alliances.
After mutinying with Candice a few episodes back, Jonathan finally found himself in a secure position on Raro. Looks like the tribal switch gambit paid off. Except for that whole mistrust and loathing issue.
With his ass no longer in the firing line, Jonathan turned from groveling fisherman to curmudgeonly moaner. “These durned young whippersnappers don’t work,” Old Man Jonathan complained before screaming at them to get off his lawn.
“What kind of an organisation is this?” he wondered. Not really an organisation, Jonno. A confederacy of dunces maybe but not an organisation. He vowed to gently (read annoyingly) prod the rest of his tribe into working. Yes, that’s the way to ingratiate yourself, Jonathan. Fool.
Aitu was suffering from the effects of apparent legrot. Yul complained that his leg hurt. If only Cao Boi were still there to squeeze it. Er, not like that. Sundra had a nasty-looking skinned knee. Those boobies can get vicious when they’re cornered.
Reward Challenge time. Jeff opened up his chest of goodies to reveal paint and brushes. Hooray, art supplies! My favourite kind of reward. But no, turns out it was time for the merge and these were for painting the new flag. The real reward was a feast on a boat. The only challenge would be not to drop dead before boarding the boat.
Poverty pracically has an orgasm at the thought of new blood
Everybody dance now!Toned and buff young men and women in grass skirts greeted our heroes as they boarded the boat. Yul looked around nervously for his amorous stalker but she was nowhere to be found. They dug in and got pissed. Poverty wanted someone to carry her off to bed. I see drunken Poverty shows the same restraint as sober Poverty.
Shipper name: Poverdice,Old Man Jonathan was not keen on the young ‘uns getting drunk. “In my day, we didn’t drink excessively and vomit over ship railings. We had to walk ten miles in the snow if we wanted to vomit.”
The new tribe was named Aitutonga, which was spelled out in lovely rainbow-coloured letters on their flag. Does that mean that Aitutonga is gay-friendly? Tell that to Brad and JP.
Next up: finger-painting, then nap-time.Surprisingly enough, Poverty did not immediately turn her questionable charms to the men of Aitu. Instead she snuggled up with Adam. Infidelity! Whatever would Candice say? Knowing her, probably “threesome”. That hussy.
Raro are planning an intervention any day now.Raro had the numbers and thought themselves completely secure but clever Yul had a few tricks up his sleeve. He approached Jonathan and tried to glean what he would do if he were to find out that he had the hidden immunity idol. Jonathan danced around the issue before finally saying that he’d have to see the immunity idol himself before even thinking of changing sides.
Got milk?The first individual Immunity Challenge was all about poles. The survivors would have to grab onto their poles for dear life and try not to fall off. The big-footed men were the first to slip off.
Yul got his nerd on and gave a very informative talk about surface area in the challenge. The others looked at him like “What the hell, Poindexter?” and laughed. “I am never getting a date ever again,” Yul chuckled. Pushy Native Lady begs to differ, you stud, you.
Poverty sure does love the pole.Predictably, the last two standing were Ozzy and Candice; Ozzy because he’s a sea monkey and Candice because she’s used to hugging large wooden objects like Adam. Ozzy’s monkey blood came through for him and he won the immunity necklace.
The return of Candice/Pole! Shippers rejoice.With Ozzy immune, Raro’s attention turned to Yul. “He’s Harvard Yale Stanford guy,” Poverty informed us because she can’t tell the three of them apart. Also, she thinks they’re the names of Frat houses. Jonathan got worried when Yul showed him the hidden immunity idol and he realised that he would be screwed if he didn’t go all weaselly bastard on everyone. Again.
He tried to convince Raro the dangers of voting for Yul. Raro didn’t care. He called them idiots. Well yeah, it’s not their asses on the line. Maybe they would have woken up if he had very slowly counted for them how many members each alliance would have if he went out instead of Yul.
“I don’t like this game,” Adam moaned, “it makes you think all the time.” So that’s what that smoke is coming from Adam’s ears. Candice cooled down Adam’s overworked brain by sticking her tongue down his throat. Nyummy, twenty-five days worth of morning breath.
Q: How do you save an Adam from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.Jonathan fretted that if he were to switch sides again, he would have literally betrayed every single member of either tribe. Well not every member. Every member from the jury onwards, certainly.
Come on, Jonathan! Choose bastardry and villainy! Embrace your weasel heritage!
Tribal Council time. Jeff asked whether the contestants could see any close bonds forming. Aitu mentioned that Candice and Adam were giving off certain vibes. Dry-humping in the middle of the camp is a little more than vibes. Poverty countered by pointing out that Becky and Yul were also close. Yes, but they haven’t been passing the time by doing the tongue tango like some people.
Tension-filled voting time. Would Jonathan switch? The former Aitus thought so as they had voted for Nate. The ex-Raros stuck with their vote for Yul. Or Yule. Or Yuehl.
The final vote was read and it was for Nate. Hooray! Bless you, Jonathan, you treacherous snake, you. Nate had some not-very-nice things to say about Jonathan. Guess he won’t be joining the Jonathan Penner fanclub any time soon.
Next Week: Jonathan faces the wrath of Raro and turns into a British man who says “bollocks”.