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Mutiny On The Blondie

Written by Cloud9 from the blog Tribal Talk on 09 Oct 2007
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OH MY SWEET ZOMBIE CAT, WHAT A STUPID MOVE!!

In a show where dumb moves are a matter of course, someone occasionally does something so idiotic, so completely devoid of logic, that they deserve to be mocked for all eternity.

Even after he dies and goes to wherever tattooed psychopaths spend the afterlife, the rest of the undead are going to snigger at Lex and say, “Dude, that time you kept in Amber because Rob told you so? Were you high or did the ink just seep into your bloodstream.”

The Rotu 4 from Survivor Marquesas are going to be haunted by endless questions of, “You acted like smug bastards to five people when they were only four of you? That’s OK, a lot of people can’t count above three.”

Somewhere Ian is still getting hassled for stepping down the pole and out of the game because Daddy Tom laid a guilt trip on him.

And now Candice and Jonathan have joined the ranks of the few, the shameful. Chin up, guys. You may have lost your majority alliance, the trust of every other contestant, and any chance of winning the game, but you did win a shiny award for “Stupidest Survivor Move of the Season”. It’s in the shape of a golden dunce cap. It gleams very prettily in the sunlight.

Right at the start of the episode, Jonathan and Candice were expressing their desire to jump ship and get back to the loving embrace of Adam and Poverty. I can understand that sentiment, Poverty and Adam certainly seem easier to outfox than Yul. Heck, a crab would be able to outfox Poverty and Adam.

Jonathan expressed his desire for a final foursome of him, Candice, Adam and Poverty (White power!) since they were together from the start. Not so fast there, Mengele. Candice disagrees. She wasn’t all too fond of this idea because she didn’t trust Jonathan and would rather see him voted out before final four. No Aryan master-race for you, Jonny boy.

The two of them did believe that they were going to have to switch at some point. A logical deduction, wouldn’t you agree? As long as it happened at the right time, a time that would be beneficial. Heh heh heh…

Meanwhile, over at Raro, Brad made the big mistake of saying in passing that it’s “every man for himself”. Ooooh, shouldn’t have done that. This is the same tribe who launched an official enquiry into Stephannie’s mashed potatoes ewmark and you think they wouldn’t jump on a comment like that like rats onto rice?

Brad was deemed Enemy no. 1 by the Raro-ites. Silly Brad, you keep mutinous feelings like that to yourself like Candice and Jonathan very cleverly did. Right? RIGHT?

Then came the Reward Challenge. Everyone was expecting a merge but Jeff had a surprise. If anyone wanted to, they could mutiny and join the opposing tribe. But surely no-one would be suicidal enough to take that offer, would they?

Just as it looked like the twist was going to be a bust, Candice stepped forward. I…I just have no words. Did she have a BRAIN HAEMMORHAGE in that exact moment? She’d shown actual signs of strategic gameplay and intelligent thought up until that episode so I’m not sure if she was just cleverly edited to look halfway smart by splicing together unrelated bits of footage and using like CGI imaging, or if she ate some poisonous fish and it ate away at her brain.

This person is a pre-med student! On the path to becoming a doctor! Would you want her operating on you? Imagine it: everything’s going well, she’s operating on your appendicitis or whatever only to decide on impulse she’ll start poking around your spleen with the scalpel wondering what happens if tugs on it real hard.

A moment later, Jonathan hesitantly stepped forward, apparently having partaken of the same bad fish. Instantly, the remaining Aitu members glared laser-beams at them and branded “treacherous dogs” into their backs. Ozzy in particular looked as if he was wondering whether drowning or slowly bleeding death would be more painful for them. “Mutineers always get what’s coming to them,” he intoned ominously. Oh, zip it, William Bligh.

9.7
Ozzy's just fine with Candice and Jonathan's decision. Really.

Raro just gawped in amazement that they had finally discovered people dumber than them.

9.2
"Traitor! We hope you contract a flesh-eating virus!"

9.3
"Hmm, I wonder if perhaps I may have made a slight mistake in doing this."

9.5
"Welcome to Raro! We love you for coming over to our side, dead mea...we mean Candice! Now hold still while we mark where we're going to stick our machetes."

9.4
"Aw Fu-"

The depleted Aitu tribe, made up of four very angry people, faced off in a barrel-rolling contest againt the new Raro, made up of the entire population of Cook Islands. And yet, even several thousand members stronger than Aitu, Raro still lost. Bwahaha! Enjoy your new tribe, suckers!

9.6
Just keep rollin', rollin', rollin'

Head mutineer was gleefully sent to Exile Island where she was forced to reflect what a monumentally stupid thing she’d done.

Jeff took Aitu to its coffee reward and Sundra broke down crying. Wow, she must really like her coffee. They looked at pictures and letters from their families and friends, including a really dorky-looking one of Yul. The former dork said that seeing the castaways get emotional over their stuff from home had reminded him that they were actual people. As opposed to hyper-annoying androids, I suppose.


"And this is me posing for my Star Trek club picture..."

As they sipped their coffee, they celebrated how they were a family themselves. What, dysfunctional and forced to be in each other’s faces 24/7? The tribe was brought closer together than ever before, united in their love of coffee, letters from home and blinding hatred of Jonathan and Candice.

Yep, that move certainly worked out well for the two of them. Jonathan was working hard at ingratiating himself to his new overlords, bowing and scraping and generally pretending he was harmless.

It wasn’t working. Somehow, his obsequience was making him come across as even more weaselly then usual. “Candice and I are like this,” he told Poverty, “She mutinied on impulse and I had to follow her.” Honestly, Jonathan’s as dumb as she is.

JONATHAN: It was Candice who made me do it! She was the one who stepped forward and I had to follow her.
ME: If Candice jumped in a fire, would you do it too?
JONATHAN: Why, did she say something? Which fire? Now? I can go right now if she said to.
ME: Sigh.

Or, as Nate quite simply put it, “Are you dumb?”

Immunity Challenge time! The tribes had to shoot cannonballs through a hole in the bottom of their boats and unscramble the word “bounty”, not referring to Sundra’s bosom or Ozzy’s fish stash, but to the famous mutiny ship. Those mutineers ended up starting their own colony and had many happy (if inbred) children. Somehow I doubt Jonathan and Candice will have it quite so good.

Raro lost and the non-mutinous Raro members discussed how untrustworthy Jonathan was for leaving and how much they were about to vote him out. Er, guys? You did see that Candice volunteered first, right?

Nate and Franken-Adam wondered whether they should vote out Jonathan first or whether Brad should be eliminated based on his “every man for himself” comment. “Candice and Jonathan are stuck with us, they can’t go back to their original tribe now. Brad could turn sides easily,” Adam said. “But Brad didn’t mutiny like they did,” Nate argued. Yeah, because he’s not a complete idiot dying slowly of poisonous fish consumption like some people.


A gratuitous picture of Brad sucking on a piece of fruit. Because I'm 12.

Candice seemed to have recovered somewhat from her brain haemorrhage and was trying to take the heat off of her and onto Jonathan by painting him as a slimy con-artist intent on seeing Adam gone. Not bad, not bad, that bit of strategising. Of course, it could all have been avoided HAD SHE NOT MUTINIED IN THE FIRST PLACE.

The losers shuffled into Tribal Council and Jeff asked them about the mutiny. “I thought Candice was quite gutsy to do that,” Jenny offered, the translation of which is “I’m going to spill your guts like a lamb to the slaughter, you moron.”

Candice admitted that she had wanted to go over because she’d gotten the vibe that Raro was so much more fun than Aitu. Did I miss something? Did I miss the eye-gouging fights between Yul and Ozzy or Sundra and Becky scratching “Candice iz a HOR!” on tree-trunks? Where is this terrible vibe that makes Aitu so un-fun?

The mutineers were spared immediate punishment however. Raro decided to go with the Brad vote, leaving him to enjoy whatever his equivalent of mashed potatoes is. Jonathan breathed a sigh of relief. Don’t get too secure there, it’s all a matter of time.

Next week: Yet another super awesome twist that could change the game forever!



7 Comments

six
10 Oct 2007 02:29

Great Article cloud!!!!  My God.  What an episode.  I'm almost as indignant about everything as those Aitu's!!  

Renegade
10 Oct 2007 03:14

Mina I missed some of it, but i was shocked to see Brad voted out, i thought is was a no brainer and it would definetly be Jonathan. Damn. 
Nice recap, thanks

wonderlad
10 Oct 2007 05:52

Great article!!
And Brad will be on the jury!! That was a bit of a twist - jury of 12 instead of 8.

wonderlad
10 Oct 2007 05:52

Great article!!
And Brad will be on the jury!! That was a bit of a twist - jury of 12 instead of 8.

riet
10 Oct 2007 06:58

Wow ... how stupid can a person be??? Now they will merge and be together anyway!  The only difference is that they are HATED by 4 people who will NEVER vote for them IF they end up in the final two.  This was a great episode and I can't wait for the next one.  Thank you Cloud for your recap - enjoyed it! 

Tashi
10 Oct 2007 13:14

Awesome column Cloud! What an episode! Sneaky sexipoo Jeff tempting them to leap into hell like that was an all-time classic Survivor moment.

I can't stand them for doing it but at the same I'm pleased they did 'cos it gave Aitu so much more to fight for and prove. It's like the very reason they kicked such butt was out of revenge and it worked for them so perfectly. Also, seeing Candice get kicked to Exile Island so immediately was very satistfying. I've never been crazy-mad about her - she's too cold and distant generally so I'm very okay with her suffering maximum distress.

PS: That nerd pic of Yul's too much.

Shirmell
11 Oct 2007 03:16

Classic Cloud, great article as always and oh so funny.LOL

Stupid move on the mutineers, I am starting to dislike Candice intently, Jonathan is even more stupid for following her, now his grovelling will really begin, he is so out of there soon.


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