I’m not quite sure how it happened but last week’s tribal re-shuffling managed to place absolutely all the interesting people on one tribe and the dull ones on the other. That is the thought that struck me as I watched boring JP get voted out over boring Stephannie on boring Raro. That there are literally three people who aren’t completely bland on the tribe.
So I’ve decided to don my red warpaint and root for Aitu to kick the asses of Raro each and every time. I was doing that anyway because of all the Meatheads on Raro who thought they were soooo special and brawny and would win all the challenges, but now I have yet another reason to go Team Aitu.
Not that Aitu isn’t completely made up of freaks and idiots as well, but at least they’re entertaining freaks and idiots.
Last week, we saw Aitu vote off the bodaciously bodied, yet strangely screentime-deficient, Cecilia. This made Ozzy very sad. His soul was crushed and he talked about wanting to go home instead of sticking around and catching fish for these people. He seems mighty broken-hearted over Cecilia’s exit. Ooh, maybe he fell in love with her just like Billy fell in love with Candice. Maybe they can double-date.
I am strangely entranced by Ozzy's armpit hair. Should I be worried by this?Speaking of Billy’s one true love, she returned from Exile Island only to be confronted with questions of why the other tribe chose her to go there. Of course, she knew exactly why Adam and Parvati tried to save her hide from Tribal Council but pretended to be clueless. Badly. Not exactly the second coming of Jonathan Penner, that one. Funny, you’d think that “playing dumb” would come naturally to Survivor contestants.
This is called "method acting". She's putting herself in the shoes of a genuinely slow and mentally challenged individual. In this case, her boyfriend Adam.
One Survivor who’s an old hand at playing dumb is Parvati. She was all a-flutter over the testosterone in her tribe and how they had gotten all the big, strong young guys. Unfortunately, I think the braincell-to-brain ratio among them is even lower than their fat-to-muscle ratio. Parvati? You also got all the dumb meatheads. Enjoy.
The Meatheads were busy taking it easy because who would dare vote out their beefcake behinds when they were so strong and capable of winning challenges? “We men strong! We no need to work! Womans would be lost without our muscles! Let go break coconuts with our heads now.”
Reward Challenge time! This reward was sleeping stuff: three blankets, two pillows and a hammock. Admittedly, arithmetic isn’t my strong suit but wouldn’t that come up a little short in a tribe of either nine or eight people?
Despite the rather small number of sleeping things they were competing for, the tribes really went all at it. Aitu especially seemed willing to sacrifice a few tribemates for those blankets as they dragged Becky and Candice like ragdolls across the course. Cao Boi screamed things like “Don’t worry about the girls” and “It still counts as a win if some of our tribe-members are unconscious, right?”
"Throw her over the log! Roll her down the sand dune! Use her as a raft! And if Raro get in front of us, we can use her as a club to beat them with!"Aitu won, somehow without incurring fatalities. Ha ha, in your face, Meatheads. Aitu chose to send Adam (He’s the white guy out of the United Meatheads of Benetton) to Exile Island which, thankfully, meant he was absent for almost the whole remainder of the episode.
This win gave Ozzy a new lease on life and he was suddenly more than happy to be catching fish for his fellow Aitus. Over his beloved Cecilia already? I bet that shameless hussy Candice has started mouthing declarations of love to him in order to distract him.
Nemo?Raro was not quite so fish-happy. Meathead laziness was causing resentment, especially for Parvati. Surprisingly, she was taking a break from the sexual sledgehammer she calls flirting. Don’t worry, she went back to presenting like a baboon flashing its bum later on in the episode.
Parvati instead was complaining about JP (that’s the Hispanic guy out of the United Meatheads of Benetton) and how he never did any work but instead “subtly” pawned it off on anything else. I wonder if she wasn’t all a teeny tiny bit resentful that JP was immune to her flirting on account of the whole her-being-a-girl thing. Still, she was right that JP was taking smug advantage of his perceived superiority and taking an awful lot of breaks to go smash coconuts on his head.
She went to Octopus Master Nate (he’s the African-American guy out of the United Meatheads of Benetton) to complain about JP’s slacking but Nate reminded her that “the ball is in his pocket”. Oh Nate. Your mixed metaphors come out so dirty. Or maybe I just have the maturity of a twelve-year-old.
And isn’t that just the perfect transition into Aitu’s love of boobies? Jonathan and Cao Boi really wanted some boobies and were ecstatic when they found some while talking through the forest. They wondered what boobies tasted like.
You, over there in the back; what are you giggling at?
I speak of course of the species of bird named boobies. Jonathan and Cao Boi found a booby’s nest and wanted to know if there were eggs they could steal and eat. Cao Boi climbed up the tree, scared Mama Boobie half to death and caused the nest to fall. Jonathan turned into a ten-year-old schoolgirl and started tearing up when he saw a small boobie had fallen out of the nest.
“We’re responsible for that little fuzzy, wuzzy baby bird losing its home,” he sniffled, patting the boobie’s head and tugging on his sundress. Eat it, eat it! “It was newly-hatched, must’ve been born within the last 24 hours,” he whimpered as his pigtails quivered with emotion. Great, that means it’ll be tender and succulent!
I know actors are supposed to be in touch with their emotions but this is ridiculous. I bet he has funerals for his goldfish when he flushes them down the toilet.Cao Boi was also sorry for what he’d done (Geez, you’d think a nutter like Cao Boi would eat baby birds as after-dinner mints or something like that) and tried to put the nest and the chick back as they once were. Fare thee well, little booby.
With boobies rescued, it was time for the Immunity Challenge. Aitu once again came out on top while all Raro managed to achieve was a bleeding hand for Jenny (yes, there is a castaway called Jenny. I promise) while trying to start their fire.
Somewhere, Billy is shouting "Right on!" and praising his sweet luck.Stephannie blamed herself for the loss and told her tribe as much. They were all like “Yeah sure, we’ll vote you out then” and she realised that perhaps this wasn’t the wisest move she could’ve made. She told Rebecca, Cristina and Jenny-of-the-bleeding-hand that she didn’t want to go and they decided they’d rather get rid of JP instead.
But to get rid of JP, they’d need one more so they decided to approach Parvati, even though they were unsure of whether she would vote against one of her flirt-monkeys. When Parvati didn’t give an out-and-out answer, they decided to approach Brad (the Asian guy out of the United Meatheads of Benetton), practically right after Parvati walked away to think about it, and see if he would vote with them instead. Not very discrete, are they? Before you know it, they’ll be asking JP if he wants to vote with them against himself.
Despite all of this, JP managed to be completely shocked when he was voted out at TC. One two many volleyballs to the brain, I reckon. Good, I hope he ends up rooming with Billy.
Let’s hope Aitu win the rest of the ICs so they can decimate this boringass tribe.
Next week: It’s not just the Meatheads of Raro who are lazy buggers; the spirit of JP lives on in Becky, Candice and Sundra. No fish for you! Raro get some unexpected visitors and are pissed because they didn’t bring wine.