Poor old Bruce. I always believed he was one of the very few Casayans who wasn’t completely full of crap. Turns out I was wrong in a big way.
Because of Bruce’s ignoble exit, it was a rather unusual episode. With Terry the last remaining La Manan, the focus once more shifted to the big, happy family known as Casaya.
As Danielle railed against Courtney for supposedly shouting at her (I’m sorry, mealy-mouthed complaining about something is not shouting), Terry watched them with a glint in his eye. His mission now would be to win the next four immunities while otherwise standing back and observing.
“I can be like a fly on the wall,” were his exact words, never mind that the most low-key thing Terry could ever achieve would be to be an American Eagle on the wall. Considering how subtle he’s been so far, the only fly-on-the-wall he can pull off is the Jeff Goldblum giant mutant version.
Bruce meanwhile was experiencing some nasty gastrointestinal difficulties. Ouch. That is definitely not a good place to be, as Austin and Nick can tell you. Unlike them, Bruce’s problem was a little more serious. For days, he’d been unable to Casa De Charmin in the way which God intended, and no, I don’t mean for storing wood.
The trouble had started a little while before Casaya won their Panamanian village visit. Hmm, wasn’t that around the same time Bobby, best known for dropping deuces and doing strange things in toilets, was voted out? Perhaps this is Bruce’s karmic punishment for stealing the wine and drinking it in the loo with Bobby.
The treemail came with a free gift – some dolls for the castaways to decorate as themselves. As if these people aren’t self-involved enough. Cirie went all out in her artistic endeavours, adding small bundles to the front of her doll in order to best simulate her imposing cleavage. Or Cleavage rather. I think it deserves a capital ‘c’, don’t you?
With its miniature fauxhawk, the Aras doll was also a good resemblance, though it failed to capture the self-importance of the flesh-and-blood version. They were all pretty good though some key touches – yellow seaweed on top of the Courtney doll’s head and random scrawlings and mysterious needlemarks on the Shane doll – would have made a world of difference.
Alas, these cute little dolls were destined for a fiery death in the Reward Challenge. It was a questions-and-answers session where the survivors completed a small survey and had to guess what the most popular answer would be. With each correct answer, they cut someone’s rope until a torch was released and a rival’s doll was burnt.
The fun part of course was in finding out what each of these fools thought of each other. Cirie was the person they’d most trust with their lives (yay!) and the person least likely to survive on her own (which she good-naturedly managed to guess, so yay for self-awareness). Shane was hilariously picked as the person who mistakenly believed themselves to be in control of the game.
Courtney bore the brunt of being picked for almost all the annoying questions – most annoying, talks the most, person who you would least trust with your life, and so on. She even managed to win the popular vote for the biggest poseur which is quite a feat considering who makes up the rest of her tribe.
It wouldn’t be Casaya if the whole thing didn’t turn into bedlam. Shane took exception to Cirie choosing to target his doll rather than Aras and spat upon the floor in disgust like a strung-out camel. Courtney despaired at how badly her fellow contestants thought of her. Cirie could not hold in her laughter at this whole state of affairs. Aras tried to invoke his amazing nursery school teacher skills and told Casaya not to splinter over a silly challenge, while Terry sing-songed his agreement in a mocking manner. More Terry bitchiness about Aras, please!
The final question was the one which asked who would never be able to survive on their own. Cirie’s self-pick won her the game while Aras puzzlingly picked Terry. I know he hates him but come on. In what universe would Terry be the worst survivalist out of these yahoos? In what universe would he even be the most popular answer to that question? What a completely bizarre choice.
The only thing that makes sense to me is that Aras realised this was a bad challenge to win and threw it. I can’t accept that because that would be giving Aras credit and I really hate to do that.
Instead, Cirie finally got to go on her first reward, much to my delight, and had to choose two other people to go with her, much to my dismay. Knowing the maturity levels among the Casayans, what good could possibly come from choosing a couple of them to go on the reward with her while leaving the others to simmer at camp? She picked Aras and Danielle, to the further dismay of Shane, who went from a camel to a begging mongrel in an instant. Cirie also chose to give the audience a break from Terry TV and sent him to EI.
"I know I don't have the cash, man, but please! One gram is all I'm asking for. I'm good for the money, really, I am. Please, man, don't do this to me, man. I swear on my son's life I'll pay you."As Bruce lay in agony, Courtney dwelled on how everyone thought she was an annoying leech who couldn’t shut up. “You’re personalising this,” Shane advised her, transforming from a begging mongrel into a goldfish and instantly forgetting how he’d personalised Cirie favouring Aras over him. Bruce moaned in the corner, partly from the pain and partly from having to hear these idiots talk.
The show finally sprung for a cool reward and sent Cirie and co to a spa on a helicopter. Masseurs set to work on their aching muscles, though Danielle somehow got a WWE wannabe who sledgehammered hers’ into submission instead.
A very unfortunate shot of Danielle...
...and what it reminds me ofOver food a whole lot better than peanut butter sandwiches, they talked about how Courtney secretly had a crush on Shane and that’s why they fought so much.
Ah yes, Courtney and Shane. The great love-hate relationship in the mold of Elizabeth and Darcy, Sam and Diane, and every third soapie couple in existence. I don’t think I have ever seen a pair with as much chemistry as these two. And by chemistry, I mean the stinking, sulphurous kind that wilts flowers.
I dare you to find anything more disturbing than the image of Shane and Courtney having desperate hatesexSpeaking of things that cause people to feel desperately ill, Bruce had only gotten worse since we last saw him. Courtney tried to soothe his pain by singing despite Bruce’s agonised wheezing at her to stop. Though when you’re suffering that much, causing yourself even greater pain does help bring relief to your initial pain, so maybe he should have let Courtney continue to sing her own brand of pain therapy.
The medics were called in through the night and decided he had to be evacuated at once. A mournful choir rose up from the soundtrack as Bruce was taken away. This poignant tableau was ruined by two things: a) take the sugarcoating away and the guy is leaving Survivor basically because he can’t take a dump, and b) because Shane was naked throughout it all.
You try and take things seriously when Shane is there prattling on about his nekkidness and having to avoid wet cloths. Even Mike’s fall into the fire would’ve looked a bit silly if there was a man with his blurry bits showing gazing dolefully into the distance.
Over on EI, Terry made a cameo appearance to tell us that he was going to put what he’d observed about the Casayans to good use strategically. That’d be a first. Good luck with that, Machiavelli.
Left all alone at camp, Shane and Courtney decided to make a bond until the end. Shane threatened to go to her apartment and kill her if she betrayed him because nothing seals an agreement like random death threats. When Courtney did her usual nasal moany thing, Shane told her to relax and take a joke because it’s not like he knew where she lived. That’s…comforting. He said he was merely giving her an “adjective”. I’ll say it again, people, this is your brain on drugs.
Hey, Shane, adjectives are
describing words, like ‘insane’, ‘creepy’ or ‘stupid’. I’ll leave it to your Swiss-cheesed imagination to figure out exactly who or what these adjectives are actually describing.
There was more Shane fun to come. When Cirie, Aras and Danielle returned, Shane had a big, public hissy-fit about how what Cirie had done meant that she was planning on betraying him and their bond wasn’t really secure. In it, he basically described her as being 300 pounds of deadweight and not doing anything to deserve being taken thirty days.
OH NO, YOU DI’INT!! You did NOT just insult the awesome Cirie and make the *bleep!* argument that she did not deserve to be there. Cirie, who managed to finagle her way from first boot to one of the key members of the dominant alliance? Cirie, who’s so obviously the brains of this whole sorry tribe? Cirie who singlebooty-dedly managed to win the wrestle-for-a-bag challenge for Casaya way back when?
That’s it, SIT ON HIM, CIRIE!!
But even though she laughs at her tribemates at inopportune times, Cirie is first and foremost a negotiator and strategist. She did not give him the beatdown he so richly deserved but instead placated him with reassurances that they were definitely still destined for the final three together. That’s my girl, wrangling the Shane like that.
In a confessional, Shane then confessed that the whole thing had been a giant act and that it was all part of his brilliant strategy. Because, as we’ve just learned, he is the tribe-member who mistakenly believes himself to be in control of the game.
Exactly how is a big tantrum, where he threatens to turn on his main alliance on an emotional whim, going to benefit him? All he managed to do was extract some empty ego-stroking from his allies and show them what an untrustworthy, emotional timebomb he was. Why not just tattoo a target on your back, Shane?
When Jeff brought back Terry, he also carried some Very Serious News. Bruce was unable to return to the game so there would be no IC and no vote. Luckily, Bruce had been taken to hospital just in time to prevent a very messy explosion.
Everyone looked sad. Courtney rearranged the stones in Bruce’s Zen garden to say “Luv U” and wistfully talked about how he would love it. The same Bruce who got pissed when Courtney dared to do yoga in his Zen garden? I think he’d be too busy muttering to himself irritably to appreciate the gesture.
Terry somehow still managed to be the focus of the final words as he was the one who got to give a moving voiceover about noble and amazing Bruce is. I’m sure that’s true but really, did it have to be Terry who delivered it? Wouldn’t one of Bruce’s Casaya teammates know him better? I was actually enjoying this reprieve from all Terry, all the time until this speech.
Our final glimpse of Bruce was a scene from his time on EI where he’d used his karate skills to fight off a hundred unseen enemies. No word on whether he’ll be back in time for the jury. So long, Mr Miyagi! Hope you manage to have a poop!