They’re back…
The Dead Man’s Island twist has come to fruition and the game is on. One of the foursome of Jacinda, Mzi, Vanessa and Zayn will be crowned sole survivor next week. Did you ever think this would be the final four?
The episode began with the three remaining Ramans in high spirits, visions of dancing banknotes running through their heads. We had the usual twaddle from the survivors about how close they were to the million and how they had a one in three chance of winning and blah blah blah dramatic irony.
What the unsuspecting Ramans did not know is that the Aguilerans were about to compete in Dead Man’s Challenge for a chance to return. First, they had to welcome their newest outcast Lezel.
After all their bitching about conniving Lezel, you can imagine Aguilera’s reaction to her. They treated her arrival as enthusiastically as you’d treat the arrival of the Plague. Brigitte and Vanessa gave her the stinkeye as Panama experienced its first ever ice storm.
You’d think they’d be happy to see their greatest rival out of the game. Yes, I know it means they actually have to live with her and it’s bad enough living on DMI without daily committee meetings coming into the equation but it also means she’s much less likely to win.
Brigitte moaned about Lezel’s sudden friendliness with the ex-Aguilerans. “When Mzi first arrived in the merger, she wouldn’t give him the time of day. Now she’s sticking to him like *bleep!* on a blanket.”
Shit on a blanket? Quite the poet, our Brigitte. Does that mean Lezel is the *bleep!* and Mzi is the blanket? What’s Brigitte then? The horsefly?
The DMI challenge was a balancing endurance challenge. The four DMIers had to stand on a log and last two standing would be reborn like very smelly and hungry phoenixes. I must admit I was sooo sure I knew who the returning survivors were going to be that I viewed the challenge as more of a formality.
Based on Brigitte and Mzi’s editing and story arcs, I was convinced it was going to be them. After all, Lezel has been useless in every challenge ever and all of Vanessa’s interviews pointed to her being pleased to be out of the game rather than disappointed.
So imagine my surprise when it was Brigitte and Lezel who fell off first, leaving Mzi and Vanessa as the returnees. Vanessa? But how can this be? Vanessa didn’t even have airtime for the first half of the season. Brigitte had a couple of interviews in which she talked about coming back and kicking Jacinda’s ass.
Oh editing, why have you forsaken me so? If I can’t trust you, what can I trust?
The editing was not completely off-kilter. An interview with Jacinda revealed she was planning on taking Gareth in with her to the final. All the better to establish Jacinda’s backstabbing eeevilness of later, I suppose.
They needn’t have bothered. With her powers of smugness set on maximum and her growing-out blonde roots making her look like she was going bald, Jacinda cut a particularly villainous figure.
Jacinda twirls her handlebar moustache as she contemplates heinous acts of vallainyAt the IC, Mark brought out the returnees much to the dismay of the remaining Ramans. Can’t say I blamed any of them. They worked freakin’ hard to get where they were and now these people who had been voted out of the game were getting a second shot at it? Nooit, man.
The IC involved being strapped to a bungee cord and putting a stake (them and their stake fetish) in the sand as far as they could before they boinged back. For once in his life, Gareth did not win. You could practically hear the Immunity Necklace screaming as it was wrenched from around his neck. Separation anxiety is such a difficult thing.
With Mzi winning immunity, he and Vanessa undoubtedly had the power. Honest Zayn, paragon of integrity, waddled up to Mzi and Vanessa and offered to join with them and vote out Jacinda.
Excuse moi? Honest Zayn offering to stab his alliance partner in the back? Oh sorry, “agreement” partner. Something is rotten in the state of Panama and it’s not just the stink of Zayn’s curry-flavoured armpits.
Now I suppose you could argue that Zayn the Pain didn’t break any promises because he promised to stick with Rama until the final four and technically his agreement was made null and void when Vanessa was voted out, but then you’d be engaging in Lezel-ing of the truth and all sorts of lawyerly doublespeak and loopholes.
Verdict? Zayn is just as devious and underhanded as anyone else in the game, only he has no self-awareness about his own game-playing. I rest my case, your honour.
Just like the Cheshire Cat in Alice In Wonderland, Jacinda’s smile started fading at the thought she might be next. As she learned of Zayn’s treachery, she seethed to Gareth about how she’d never trusted Zayn and always had a sixth sense about him. I rather prefer to imagine a sentient snake spying on Zayn and reporting back to a black-clad Jacinda.
There was a break in strategic proceedings for the RC which saw the survivors do a kind of word-search before throwing hoops at some targets. For those of you who are feeling Freudian, some of the words Jacinda found in hers were “I can do this”. Gareth’s word-search on the other hand merely spelled out his desire to “suck ale”. Perhaps he’s subliminally advertising Archers’ Aqua new ale drink?
Speaking of oh-so-subtle product placement, the reward was a Hyundai Tucson. I trust you’ll all use your Iburst broadband to order a Hyundai Tucson so you can drive down to Nando’s and have a chicken meal.
I can’t believe they decided to do the RC after the IC just so that the returnees from DMI could have a shot at the car. As if getting an undeserved second shot at the game isn’t bad enough, they also got a shot at the car? At the very least, the producers should have restricted the car RC to the people who hadn’t ever been voted off.
At the sight of the brand new Hyundai Tucson ™, the survivors clambered over the car excitedly. Taking a deep whiff, Vanessa commented on the new car smell. Not for long now that you unwashed lot have been in it.
I think the editors discovered the slo-mo button this episode because both challenges had plenty of random slow motion shots like they were part of the bloody Matrix. Dear editors: no matter how cool you think it looks, watching people throw a hoop in slo-mo is no more interesting than watching it in normal time.
Now what I’m about to tell you is shocking so hold onto your hats so they don’t fly off like Mzi’s here.
The only person who managed to get a hoop on target and thus won the car was…Zayn.
First the editing lies to me and now this? My world is askew, people. Up is down and left is right.
Afterwards, Mzi and Vanessa reviewed their options and wondered if perhaps getting rid of Jacinda wasn’t the best option. After all, they reasoned, Gareth was the one who had the alliance with Zayn. Ooh, don’t forget the fact that he’s won four immunities in a row.
So, let’s see. Gareth is an immunity monster who is well-liked and has a loyal ally who cannot be convinced to vote for him. Yeah, I think that’s a pretty obvious vote. Finally, Mzi and Vanessa have started playing the game properly. It only took being voted out to get them to do it but at least they’re finally doing it.
Jacinda was more than happy when they approached her with their plan and promised them she would vote for Gareth. No illusions about friendship and integrity for her. She’s in this to win.
Having been thrown this lifeline, Jacinda rediscovered her shit-eating grin by the time TC rolled around. Although The Smug had been briefly lost, it was back bigger and better than ever in the sequel – Smug 2: Electric Bogaloo.
As the votes were revealed, The Smug was vindicated. Gareth got three votes to Jacinda’s one. Gareth was pretty cool about the whole thing in his final words and although he annoyed me a bit at times, he came across like a likeable guy overall. This stupid DMI twist fucked him over the hardest of them all.
Zayn looked constipated as he realised that not only had the G-man voted for him but Vanessa and Mzi had also reneged on their promise to vote for Jacinda.
The sight of Zayn floating further and further up *bleep!* Creek was pretty damn gratifying. I mean, I know that The Smug is gargantuan and Jacinda’s ego is just begging to be burst but I was far more satisfied to see Zayn’s face at the vote than the thought of Jacinda’s potential reaction to a blindside.
I don’t want to see The Smug go down. Jacinda’s playing the game hard and is by far the best player. She’s never pretended she’s anything she’s not and has always been very upfront about the way she plays the game.
Seeing anyone else win isn’t an option for me. I’ll be massively disappointed if anyone but Jacinda wins. Zayn’s a spineless hypocritical snot who’s the most dishonest of the lot and Mzi and Vanessa were voted out.
So I give in to The Smug. The Smug owns my soul. Gooo Smug!