Survivor draws closer to the final two but not as close as the tribe formerly known as Bourbon but really Rama would like to believe.
After having voted their final Aguilera opponent off (
or so they thought), the Ramans turned to self-congratulations at having gotten to the final four (or
so they thought). After all, one of them was guaranteed a million rand (or so they
thought).
But they thought wrong! Preemptive muahahaha for next week!!
Strategy was foremost on the survivors’ minds as they returned from Tribal Council. Well, strategy was foremost on three of the survivors’ minds – as always, biryani was on Zayn’s.
Jacinda and Lezel plotted Zayn’s demise and wondered what they would do if Zayn was going to win immunity. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Like there’s any chance of that happening. Maybe if his pants drop and he manages to blind Mark once and for all, he can steal the necklace.
Strategy was not the only concern on their minds. Food was also a concern. Gareth and Jacinda decided they would go pelican-hunting. Gareth took a machete and ended an innocent pelican’s life.
Gareth, you pelican-murdering bastard! Aren’t you supposed to be a doctor? What about the Hippocratic oath – “First do no harm” and all of that. Is there an “…except unto pelicans” clause at the end of that?
Poor pelicans. They thought they were safe from harm after Mzi was voted off and returned en mass to the islands of Panama. But now there is a new pelican killer in town. Pelicans never win, do they?
As Gareth’s heart broke over the pelican whose life he had cruelly snatched from him, Jacinda took a backhanded swipe at Mzi when she said “No-one can say Gareth’s not the alpha male”. Like Gareth’s one pelican makes him level with Mzi. I bet Mzi would have killed three pelicans at once and used them as bait to catch a whale.
Afterwards, it was time for the obligatory weepy family RC. Sponsored by Iburst, the contestants got to use Iburst’s wireless broadband to communicate with their family members via Iburst. All thanks to Iburst. Have I mentioned Iburst enough yet? Will they send me a royalties cheque if I mention it a couple more times?
Iburst Iburst Iburst. Iburst. Iburst Iburst. Nando’s.
Copious tears flowed as the survivors watched a message from their loved ones from home. Gareth got one from his girlfriend while everyone else got one from their mothers. Jacinda even cried and the tears didn’t even come out as icicles. The Ice Queen melteth.
It was very sweet. For a brief moment, everyone failed to suck. Then it was over and they had to compete for a chat session sponsored by M-Web. Just kidding, Iburst! Seriously, maybe they could hook me up with free wireless?
Gareth won the challenge – shocking, I know. He talked to his girlfriend and it was all very cute. Lucky that Telkom wasn’t the sponsor or else he would’ve still been waiting to connect.
Back to camp and a disgusting pelican meal. As I watched the survivors chow down on the bird, I decided I’d rather be on Dead Man’s Island than Bourbon beach.
Think about it. On DMI, you have Mzi catching you food, there’s no work to do around camp so you can work on your perfect suntan, you don’t have Lezel calling you to meetings every morning and best of all, there’s no chance of catching a glimpse of Zayn’s butt crack.
The producers decided to prove me wrong by showing the miserable mood at DMI where the starving Aguilerans complained about not having any food. Gasp! Impossible! But…but…Mzi! How can it be that they can possibly go hungry with the fisher king himself on their island?
I refuse to believe it. Clearly, this is part of Mzi’s secret plan. He pretends he has not caught any fish in order to weaken the girls through hunger when in reality he is sneaking off after dark and catching barracudas for a midnight snack. That way, he will be triumphant at Dead Man’s Challenge.
Brilliant! Why did I not see it before? He truly is a miracle man.
Back at Camp Kumbaya (as Vanessa brilliantly dubbed them), the happy happy joy joy Ramans competed in the most important Immunity Challenge of their lives. Well, second most important. OK, third, but that’s only because of stupid DMI.
They had to make fire, a task at which only Jacinda and Gareth excelled. As I watched Lezel toil fruitlessly over her flint, I couldn’t help but be reminded of Gollum for some reason.
For once it was a close finish but Gareth ultimately won another one. I think the immunity necklace may have fused itself to his chest by now anyway so it’s best they don’t try and remove it.
With Gareth immune from the vote, everyone started sucking up to him and trying to get him on their side. Lezel in particular made it known that she would be more than willing to vote off Jacinda if Gareth asked her to.
Oh sure, she veiled her willingness to do in a fog of equivocation and lawyerly doublespeak but the intent was clear. Lezel was offering to vote off Jacinda if Gareth could only give her a guarantee that she would be safe.
Now if I was Gareth and I was unaware of the DMI, I would have taken her up on her offer. No doubt Jacinda’s a bigger threat than “Lili” (ick) and Zayn. Either one of them would be a better option to take into the final three than Jacinda.
What better people would you want facing you in a final TC? Jacinda, who’s made her game-playing stance clear from the start and might earn respect for that? Hell no. Better to have the disliked Lezel who would probably lose the final jury vote against a dead seagull or Zayn who could oh-so-easily be accused of coattail-hanging.
Gareth could pretty much vote the way he pleased this TC and not have to worry about the purple rock in case of a tie. He easily could have gotten rid of Zayn or Jacinda if he’d wanted.
This isn’t to say Gareth was completely dense this episode. He actually called out Lezel’s manipulations nicely in the TC, making it a near-certainty that Jacinda would vote for her.
Lezel’s response was to lie like the lawyer she is. “I did not say I would vote Jacinda out!” she protested as Gareth told Mark what she’d said to him. Zayn confirmed that yes, Lezel had offered to vote out her bestest bud, Jacinda.
“I feel betrayed that you would ever accuse me of such things,” she said dramatically. Somewhere, an orchestra of pelicans played the world’s smallest violins.
Further denials flowed effortlessly from Lezel’s practiced mouth. I believe that in law-speak, they call this “perjury”. In Survivor, they call it “bullshitting like crazy to cover your ass”.
No matter how much she proclaimed her innocence, it could not save her from the vote. Denny Crane, she’s not. Three happy votes later, Lezel was ejected to DMI where she no doubt faces a joyful welcome from her friends, Mzi, Brigitte and Vanessa.
Next week, we will finally see this sorry DMI twist come to fruition. Stay tuned, folks.