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Brigitte Gets Sent To Dead Man's Island

Written by Cloud9 from the blog Tribal Talk on 23 Oct 2006
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Remember all that hype for the never-before-seen twist? That it was so exciting and outrageous that we would all be pissing our pants and keeling over of shock when it was revealed? That our jaws would never recover from the impact of dropping so fast?

We finally got to see it. And it certainly had me agape but not in the way the producers were hoping. I was so happy that Brigitte had been voted out over Mzi (who I felt certain was doomed) when suddenly here comes Mark with this twist that she still has a chance to return to the game.

Say it aint so, Mark! I don’t want Brigitte back in the game! The only mildly useful purpose she served within the game was as a foil for Nicotine. Without him to spar with, she was back to being nothing but a doff, potato-nosed schmodel who thought too highly of herself.

And as for that never-before-seen part, I don’t know why the producers assumed the audience was all made up of seeing-eye-dog owners because that was certainly before-seen.

I certainly saw it in the Pearl Islands of the US Survivor where the Outcast twist saw Lil and Burton returning to the game. It’s basically the same twist only with the “loser gets sent to a desert island” aspect we saw in Survivor: Palau and will see again in the upcoming Survivor: Exile Island.

Once again, the show failed to live up to the hype. I was expecting some grand twist like the jury being made up of every previously eliminated survivor in the game or Mark revealing that the winner would be decided by a competitive sokkie dancing contest but noooo. All we get is one recycled twist crossbred with an equally recycled twist.

Now don’t get me wrong. I actually liked the Outcast twist in PI even though lots of people didn’t. The reintroduction of Burton and Lil worked out well game-wise as both of these players shook up the game brilliantly.

But more and more is the local version of Survivor striking me as an attempt to recreate Pearl Islands’ magic and falling short of the mark. Am I the only one who feels like I’m watching a pale imitation of Pearl Islands at times?

The teams start off in a small Panamanian village. There’s an “arrr, pirates” theme. Many of the challenges are similar. Nico pulls a Rupert when he gets hella pissed off at someone daring to vote for him at TC. Pelicans cause havoc. People pull an Osten and quit. Nico pulls a Sandra and steals the flint in anger like Sandra dumped the fish. Now there’s this “Well, maybe if we call it Dead Man’s Island, people won’t realise it’s the same as the Outcast thing in Season 7 of the US version” big twist.

I realise that some of the stuff I mentioned isn’t planned but there’s more than enough stuff that is purposefully modeled after PI. The show would do better to try stand on its own instead of trying to falsely be something it’s not.

Enough of my ranting. Onto the episode itself which started with Aguilera’s discovery that Nicotine had absconded with their flint. Oh come on, Nico, if you’re that eager for a smoke, I’m sure there are lighters for sale at the Contadora Hotel.

As Aguilera searched in vain, Mzi expressed dismay that Nicotine had left them with nothing to make fire with but their asses. I’m not exactly sure how one would go about starting a fire with one’s ass but it is Mzi. I’m sure he’s thought up a variety of ideas for firemaking asses. I’m thinking either shaking one’s booty hard enough to create enough friction or eating the right foods to create just-right chemically-balanced farts and turn oneself into a human lighter.

Treemail (I refuse to call it shellmail. I refuse!) told teams that they would get to be conquistadors for the day and exterminate an entire civilisation and steal their gold raid the other tribe’s camp.

The unknowing Ramans were particularly excited at the thought of getting flint. Wait, didn’t they eventually get flint in that “you’re too sucky to win a reward so let’s pretend this is a challenge when it’s actually a giveaway” non-challenge? What the hell happened to it? Did Jacinda order it flung into the sea because it was looking at her funny? Did Lezel use it as a writing implement to take down minutes from meetings? Did Zayn eat it?

No, turns out they were just worried that Aguilera would steal theirs’ in their raid. The silly fools must’ve missed the banner saying “It’s a merge you dumbasses!” strung against the trees behind them. Though they obviously didn’t find flint, Jacinda was particularly excited at finding a belt, no doubt hoping Zayn would use it to fasten his pants properly.

After they’d completed their conquisting, Mark told them the merge had come and they were now one tribe. He had a ready-made name for them, thankfully sparing us from Ragila or Banarama and all equally uncreative variations thereof.

This new tribe was called Bourbon, so named after the stuff Kuna tribesmen use to separate the great from the ordinary. Those who can hold their bourbon and not pass out in a puddle of their own vomit are clearly the great.

Everyone was happy because this would mean the traditional merge feast. This one featured greasy chicken and chocolate among other things but for once I had eaten before I watched the show so it had no effect on my fragile state-of-mind.

Everyone pretended to be happy in the new tribe even while secretly talking about how much they hated each other. Well, by ‘each other’, I mean Brigitte. Jacinda and Lezel talked about how her attempts to suck up were blindingly obvious and how they weren’t going to fall for such obvious trickery.

See, this is why I always thought Nicotine’s assertions that Brigitte was dangerous were full of crap. Brigitte’s always been rather noticeable with her shifting towards the power. It’s people like Lezel and Vanessa who are the real ones you have to watch out for, I reckon.

Brigitte said, “I think I’m in a position where I don’t know what’s going to happen.” Yeah, somehow I think she’s often in that position, if you know what I mean. She further went on to complain that other girls don’t really like her. Gee, I wonder why. She only denigrates and is totally condescending about them. Can’t imagine why they’d hate her.

The very first individual Immunity Challenge saw the retirement of the Immunity Driftwood and the introduction of the marginally nicer-looking Immunity Necklace. The challenge saw them rolling around in mud and collecting it in buckets.

What the hell kind of challenge is that? What, did a horny production guy suggest mud wrestling but the censor intervened or something? Anyway, the contestants got all muddy and filled their buckets.

I wonder why none of them did what I thought of doing which is taking off their swimsuits and use them to collect and ring out the mud. It would have been a way more efficient way of collecting it than their hair or whatever. Yes, they’d have to get nude but the mud would cover up their goodies and there’d be a blur added later anyway.

I’m not saying I wasn’t glad none of the contestants thought of this (nekkid Zayn! Argh!) but I’m just surprised not a single person used what they were wearing more to their advantage.

Gareth won immunity and they all returned to camp after a dip in the ocean. There was surprisingly little strategy on the ex-Aguilerans’ part, none of whom even thought of approaching Zayn for a switcheroo.

Jacinda meanwhile decided to approach Vanessa as a fifth member of the Rama voting bloc just to assure her position. Not a bad idea in theory but she’s basically offering Vanessa the same place she’d probably end up in anyway so there’s not much motive for Vanessa to accept. Also, she did it in front of Lezel who immediately went to skinner to Zayn and Gareth.

Zayn got all put-upon because Jacinda was being dishonest with Vanessa by claiming it would be every man for himself at five people and he wanted no part of Jacinda’s deceptions. Hi, Survivor, remember? And why do I get the feeling that Zayn’s sense of moral outrage stems more from the fact that he’s worried Vanessa will usurp his already tenuous fourth position in the Rama bloc than anything else?

Tribal Council came around and was weirdly enough held during the day. It looked really, really strange especially when Mark snuffed the torch. I don’t like it. Bring back nighttime TC, I say. Makes it harder to spot the polystyrene in the pillars and props.

At TC, Zayn continued his ridiculous high-mindedness when he claimed that he was playing a non-devious game because he had no alliances; instead he had ‘agreements’. Mark immediately latched onto this hair-splitting and asked what exactly the difference was. Zayn crappity-crapped some crap defending his so-called agreements and Lezel called *bleep!* and pointed out that alliances and agreements are exactly the same thing.

Nail on the head, Lezel. ‘Alliance’ is just the term used in the show for an agreement between two or more parties. At the end of the day, Zayn’s as involved in alliance-building as the rest of them as much as he likes to pretend his are unsullied agreements.

Voting time! The Aguilerans randomly voted for Lezel of all people. Huh? Seems rather pointless. The Ramans, much to my delight, voted for Brigitte! With four to three, Brigite was eliminated. “Hooray,” I cheered before Mark dropped the cruel bomb that we weren’t quite rid of her yet.

Even worse, next week looks like we might be dropping in on Dead Man’s Island to see how she’s doing. Noooo, please don’t.

To close with, a pirate ditty:

Fifteen men on Brigitte's chest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of dumb
One devilish twist will spring on the rest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of dumb.
Brigitte is fixed by the chairman's pike
Soon Mzi will be brained with a marlinspike
And Vanessa's throat was marked belike
It had been gripped by fingers ten;
And there they lay, all stupid men
Like a merge feast in a boozing ken
Yo ho ho and a bottle of dumb.



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