Last week, I found myself anxiously judging the first episode of Survivor SA and comparing it to the American version we know and love. After judging it worthy of carrying the Survivor name, I was able to relax this week and enjoy it fully without fixating on every little change and worrying that it would suck.
So I loved this episode even more than I did the first episode. We’re getting to know the people better, the storylines are beginning to unfold and the show seems to have overcome its first episode jitters to find its groove.
It began with Rama lamenting their double challenge loss and reassuring themselves that they didn’t suck. “We’re just as physical as them,” they said, lying to themselves as well as the audience. Riiiggghhht.
What better than a Reward Challenge based entirely on physicality and brute strength to prove them wrong? As Mark explained, individual members of the team would have to go head to head in a tug-of-war to grab a stick.
Also notable about Mark’s challenge explanation was that it featured perhaps the most blatant example of sexual objectification I have ever seen in any season of Survivor when the pervy cameraman panned slowly up Brigitte’s bikini-clad bod. Wow. All the gratuitous ass shots of previous Survivors look tasteful compared to that one. Somewhere Jenna Morasca’s all “Dude, that’s just trashy.”
Was there ever any doubt as to who would win the challenge? It was clearly going to be favour the people with the most body mass so of course Aguilera won it. When you have people like Sanele, Sam and Brigitte going up against Gareth, Zayn and skinny little Lezel, it’s not that even a fight.
After losing yet another challenge, Rama changed their tune about how they were just as physical as Aguilera. Well duh. As Ncumisa said, the other tribe might be more physical but Rama had all the brains and that would give them the edge.
Not that I disagree that there are other things that win challenges besides brute strength but Aguilera are the ones with fish and Rama are the ones with…sand fleas. So I wouldn’t go and enrolling Rama in MENSA just yet.
The Ramans decided to sit down in a committee and reach consensus about why they kept losing challenges. Maybe because they refer to themselves as a committee and their leader as a chairperson. No wonder they keep losing if they choose to keep treating the competition as an extended company picnic.
Lezel tried to explain away the loss by analysing the team to death. Thankfully Danielle stepped in before she could start handing out employee evaluation forms and told them to stop psychoanalysing everything and treating everything like a bloody boardroom meeting. Hallelujah. There’s a fine line between figuring out where you went wrong so you can improve and endless navelgazing.
They decided they would elect a ‘chairperson’ to ‘call meetings and assemblies” and oh my god, you people are on an island in Panama battling against the elements. No wonder these guys can’t catch fish – because they’re too busy trying to negotiate with the fish to interface with their line rather than just doing it.
Jacinda was chosen as leader, something which would normally be a bad thing but is probably a good thing in this case because this tribe is in dire need of direction. I suspected she was the powermonger in the tribe last week and this just confirms it. It is nice to see a dominant alpha female take charge of a tribe and not something that’s very often seen.
If Rama faced the problem of no-one stepping up to lead, Aguilera faced the problem of someone being too assertive and bossy. Sam failed to read the Survivor handbook in which it is written “Never impose yourself as leader on an unwilling tribe” and decided to elect himself King Sam, master of all he surveys.
He got in a fight over fire-starting with Mzi and turned it into a whole big deal, especially when a couple of other people intervened to tell him what an annoying ass he was being. “How dare Mzi, Jude and Vanessa challenge the authority of the great and powerful Sam?” he wondered, sitting upon the beach he had named Samolia in the province of Eastern Samzonia.
Clearly, Mzi, Jude and Vanessa were in trouble having displeased the mighty ruler of the Pearl Islands. But for such a wise ruler, it seemed to have slipped King Sam’s notice that pissing off three people in a seven person team isn’t the most prudent thing.
There was another thing going against Sam – his obvious closeness with Brigitte, or “Surfer Boy and Brigitte Bardot” as Nico called them. That’s so off the mark. As far as I know, Brigitte Bardot does not have a potato face like Brigitte does.
As romantic music soared and swelled, Brigitte Bardot and Spammy Sam frolicked through the water like they were filming some sun-lotion ad. Watching those beautiful people leap through the waves, I fell into a daze and imagined the physically perfect future FHM and Men’s Health models they would beget.
The other tribemates were not pleased. Why oh why do these couples on Survivor never learn that it’s a stupid thing to do? There is no better way of placing a target on your back than by having a very close and noticeable alliance with someone of the opposite sex.
Only Rob M can get away with such obviousness and you, Sam, are certainly no Boston Rob. But hey, if physical strength was as important to the tribe as Sam declared, then Aguilera would never need to go to Tribal Council and vote out Models Inc, right?
The Immunity Challenge was a cannon-pulling challenge, something that once again looked to favour Aguilera. But lo and behold, Rama pulled through at the last minute and won!
See what happens when you stop acting like an egalitarian assembly and start acting like you’re in a competition? Ncumisa grinned and explained how Rama had won using their brains when they spent a little extra time turning around their cannon so it would be in the best position for the final stretch. And I can’t argue with her there. Well done, Rama. You outsmarted Aguilera this time.
The winning IC heralded a change in Rama’s fortunes. Before they had faced a flea and mosquito infestation that resulted in Danielle’s face looking like the moon – full of craters and depressions. Now fruit fell from the sky into Ncumisa and Lezel’s waiting hands and Gareth found eel meals for all.
At Aguilera, the tribe complained about King Sam and his alliance partner. The two of them proved they are not completely thick by at least noticing they were in trouble. Well, no, now that I think about it, they didn’t. It was Nico who had to point it out to them so I guess Sam and Brigitte are completely thick.
Sam and Brigitte’s future progeny will have to go to special school if the two of them are anything to go by. Brigitte dismissed the women of the tribe as threats for some reason, because she thinks girls are icky and stupid. Funny, there is one woman on the tribe I see as having the brains of a coconut and not posing a threat at all but it’s Brigitte herself. Oh irony, what fun!
A glorious little editing flair had Brigitte talking about how she could easily get Jude to vote with her, immediately followed by a cut to Jude talking about how she couldn’t stand her. Hee. Apparently Jude is sick of Brigitte’s superficial complaining about her hair and nails and so on. Way to change stereotypes of models there, Brigitte.
Sam and Brigitte tried to convince Jude and Nico to vote with them against Vanessa because she was lazy. Sam tried to convince the others how integral he was to the tribe by citing a strong team and blah blah blah “Pick me, I have muscles. Pick Brigitte because my muscles would be sad if she was voted out”.
Sam’s “Well, if you vote one of us out, the other person would be very sad” argument was about as effective as you’d expect. But Sam’s greatest moment came in the TC when his cluelessness reached new heights.
The resentment towards Sam and Brigitte in the TC was obvious. Yeah, somehow I think they’re not going to vote for Vanessa. Just a guess. Sam tried to downplay his threat-worthiness by saying the best time to separate a power couple like him and Brigitte would be at the merge. And if you believe that, I have an email from Nigeria to forward to you.
Jude expressed displeasure at how Models Inc had distanced themselves from the tribe by spending all that time with each other. Sam pissily replied that he was working all the time, as if they spent all their time sunbathing and getting to know each other as he and Brigitte nobly toiled tirelessly to keep the ungrateful chatters alive.
The best part of Sam’s put-upon martyr act was this gem:
Jude: You and Brigitte are together all that time, always scuba-diving on the other side of the island.
Sam: [defensively] I didn’t go scuba-diving once.
There you have it, folks. Sam categorically denies building scuba-diving equipment out of coconut shells and palm fronds and going diving. This was about the point where I looked to the sky and thanked a higher power that our South African contestants were just as stupid as the American lot.
The tribe voted and I must once again complain about the sound editing; I could not hear what Sam was saying as he voted for Vanessa.
The anti-model coalition triumphed – King Sam was voted out easily and had to say goodbye to the island community he had founded.
Ungrateful rabble, turning on their lord and master like that. Let’s see how Aguilera fare without the wise counsel of King Sam.