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  Arrrrggggghhhh Bloggers... I'm in Agony

Guys, I really need some advice, like seriously. And I know most of you don't mince your words so here it goes:

I'll be 27 towards the end of the year and my man just turned 25 this month (OMG, I didn't realize how old I was), but ya anyway we met through mutual friends and within a month of meeting we were inseparable. Everything just moved so fast. At the time I was sharing an apartment with my bestfriend and she was going through a rough patch ad decided to move back home to her mom. So I found myself looking for someone to take over her half of the apartment and since my man was practically living with me, we came up with the idea of him moving in with me until my lease expired in December. So after a month of dating, we moved in together. Around November we had to decide what’s going to transpire after the lease expires end of next month: find another place together or separately. And that’s when he dropped a bomb on me, “I’m not ready to live together and I think we should live separately and still continue with the relationship”. BLOW NUMBER 1

To say I was shocked would be an under-statement. We were doing so good. Anyway I was heartbroken but oh well. Then a few days later I find out I’m pregnant. Now this will definitely complicate things. (And please no lectures about unprotected sex – we were living together, in a monogamous relationship). I break the news to him and he went on about “We not ready to be parents, you should have an abortion”. BLOW NUMBER 2. (And by the way, he already has a 4 year old child with some chick he was shagging back in Varsity, nothing serious and his family is raising this child). Back to now, I tell him me being pregnant doesn’t have to change anything and he can still bounce if he wants to but one thing I will not do is abort as I’m not the first nor last chick to get knocked up and left. Anyway, fast forward past the many arguments and crying and he suddenly does a full 360 turn. Its suddenly become our baby now and we’ll find a new apartment together and we must move away from all the bad influences (friends) and start over: Brand New Year, Brand New Place. He comes to my Gynae visits with me now and starts spoiling me. I find it all a bit odd but I say okay (Still assessing the sudden change of heart and kinda going with the flow).

Nigga becomes really really sweet. Christmas break comes and we both go home. And the unthinkable happens. I have a miscarriage (which didn’t come as a surprise because dude had really really stressed the ish outta me). That was BLOW NUMBER 3. Thought he’d coming running to the coast to be by my side while I was in hospital but he didn’t. He calls me everyday, tells me “Everything will be okay and we need to both get back to Jo’burg so we can look for our new apartment. The day he was coming back to Jo’burg he has a terrible accident (in his home town) and was hospitalized. Had to come back and search for the new apartment alone, pack up our entire apartment and move us (all on my own). Toyed with the idea of flying out to be with him but told myself I need to hold the fort this side. After a week of hospitalization he calls telling me “ He’s not getting any better and wants to come home and be with me”, I book him a flight back home and I become his nurse. I take leave from work and I nurse him back to health. Promises me the moon and the stars while he was injured, soon as the bastard heals he starts putting his friends first and just creating a lot of tension between us. BLOW NUMBER 4.

We sign a new lease together for the new apartment on the 1st of June for 12 months. A week and a half later he says he’s been thinking about moving out but still keeping the relationship. WTF??? Not this again! He says “There’s things about my past I haven’t told you and I’m evil. I love you and I don’t wanna lose you. I’m at that point where I’m asking myself if you’re the one and I think we need to live apart for a while so that when we finally move in together it’s permanent and we do it right” Hmmmm… Yep, BLOW NUMBER 5.

I just don’t know what to make of him and our relationship. I’m starting to think after 13 months I know nothing about this man.

And let me just add that I’m a very pretty girl, great personality, outgoing, cook, clean and I have man practically banging down my door. Not too sound cocky or anything, but I’m most men’s dream. But I don’t want other man. It’s him I want. But now I’m starting to think I should set him lose.

Guys, what do you think is really going on here?


Replies: 42
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Reply from: pammie25 Tuesday, June 21, 2011 13:10 PM
Eish, your man sounds like a loser. He needs to grow up qha
Reply from: pammie25 Tuesday, June 21, 2011 13:11 PM
Sounds like he's stringing you along
Reply from: VusiK Tuesday, June 21, 2011 13:18 PM

Not too sound cocky or anything, but Im most mens dream.

... Evidently not!!!

You do not seem to be his dream!

Reply from: pammie25 Tuesday, June 21, 2011 13:20 PM
Lol VusiK
Reply from: VusiK Tuesday, June 21, 2011 13:22 PM

@Maya ...

You said we must be forthright ... he is stringing you along ... You are not the apple of this man's eye, nor are you as important to him as you wish or imagine yourself to be.

He is not attending to you and your needs and desires ... You are attending to him and his ...

I see very little of what he is and what he does, nor what you mean to him ... and that my sister says that he is imprinted on your psyche, but you are not imprinted on his.

You are a couple with him, while he is an individual with you.

My Opinion ... You are in a relationship all by yourself on this one ...

Reply from: Maya012 Tuesday, June 21, 2011 13:26 PM
... Evidently not!!!

You do not seem to be his dream! 

@VusiK
I didn't say all mean. I said most. And I guess it didn't come out right. What I meant was I'm those stress-free kinda girlfriends. 

But I have to agree with you. I think I'm in this relationship alone. What confuses me is when I try to break up with him, he goes all crazy. Cries, tells me he knows he'll never meet another woman that loves him like I do and he doesn't wanna lose me.

What's your opinion on that?
Reply from: VusiK Tuesday, June 21, 2011 13:27 PM

I may be a bit harsh ..

The Sis Dolly articles do keep TVSA going strong ... and I enjoy them ..

But this particular one is cut and dry ... This man has no regard for you and it is you who has made the investment in the relationship ... not him

He will walk away ... either quickly, or slowly ... but he is not in a relationship with you.

you are in a relationship with him!

 

Reply from: Maya012 Tuesday, June 21, 2011 13:30 PM
Ouch
Reply from: Ntlewame2 Tuesday, June 21, 2011 13:34 PM
true that....i was in a relationship alone for most of the 6 yrs;...u will only exhaust yourself trying to please him...without knowing u will not even recognise yourself.....


Dont be fooled by your looks......everyman has his taste..........get up and go!....(anyway it shouldnt be diff for you to find one who will adore you)
Reply from: VusiK Tuesday, June 21, 2011 13:36 PM


What's your opinion on that?

RUN!!!

Any man or woman who goes crazy at the sound of being left is crazy!

Why threaten something that you are not able to follow up on. If you want to leave him, don't threaten about it ...

Sisi ... i am not going to quote you because you wrote this ...

My question is do you love him enough to put yourself so far behind in the priority list that you and your identity in the relation is so faint, as not to exist?

If the answer is yes .... stay and be trampled upon .. after all, he has been doing that for as long as the relationship exists ...

I don't like men like the one in your article ... I really don't like them!!!

 

Reply from: tshetlha Tuesday, June 21, 2011 13:43 PM
This man is using you galfriend.......let him go...he is not yours
Reply from: pammie25 Tuesday, June 21, 2011 13:45 PM
VusiK I like you! Very much!! You speak a lot of sense. Wow!!!
Viva VusiK Viva! Lol

Ya Ntlewame2, it hurts being in a relationship alone. 
And I can get where she's coming from. There's nothing like investing time, love and energy in a relationship then finding out too late, when you're way in over your head that it aint going anywhere
Reply from: VusiK Tuesday, June 21, 2011 13:48 PM

... I would appreciate you keeping us in touch and follow ups on your decisions ...

it is more interesting to study the aftermath as well ...

Whatever decision you make ... You have to take full responsibility for it!!!

Reply from: Maya012 Tuesday, June 21, 2011 13:52 PM

Its like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Deep down you know you should leave because it's no good for you but still you stay hoping and wishing for the impossible.

Like in your head you want to give up but in your heart you can't.

Reply from: VusiK Tuesday, June 21, 2011 13:59 PM

@Maya ...

I'm going to say something brutally frank to you ...

Nobody changes for anyone else ...

People only change for themselves ... be it due to crisis, or some factor of evolution ....

People are fundamentally selfish ... Deal with reality ...

Your hope is baseless in relation to what you have written ...

A firm assessment of reality by you, for you, to you, seems to be just what your spirit needs ...

Decide on what is good for you ... then do it!

Reply from: pammie25 Tuesday, June 21, 2011 14:07 PM
Auuuuwww bakithi! Maya sisi. Ewu.
Reply from: Ntlewame2 Tuesday, June 21, 2011 14:09 PM
Joy....gal....Joy.........!!! 
what do you get out of all this??...
how long are you prepared to do it!.....if its that difff....then 
put a timeframe to it and stick to it.....

Whet it hits that clock and nothing changes...........
.we hope you will not hv gotten so used to it that u dont hear the alarm........


WHATS IN IT FOR YOU!?!!
Reply from: MaWiNiZa Tuesday, June 21, 2011 14:12 PM
maybe poor guy just wants a GF now..not a wife so this living together ish is not working for him. let him live on his own and yall continue with the relationship. when he feels like he is ready for the hubby wifey scene he will propose
Reply from: makisto Tuesday, June 21, 2011 14:13 PM
Reply from: VusiK Tuesday, June 21, 2011 14:17 PM

@Maya ...

I've been in good & bad relationships .. Also been in relationships by myself ... & others for myself ...

At the end pf the day ... the most important voice to listen to is the one inside you ...

We all enter and stay in relationships for reasons unique to ourselves ...

I am certain you have yours to have remained in this one until now ... and there is also a reason for you to reach out to us ...

But the most important voice is yours ...

Listen to your soul ... It knows your needs better than any of us reading and writing here ever could.

Goodluck!!!

Reply from: makisto Tuesday, June 21, 2011 14:27 PM
ohk, at 25, the guy is still young. I am 25 myself. Give it to him for his honesty, I can't be that honest. Sometimes when my girlfriend spends so much time at my place, I feel guilty not because I don't love her but because we are practically living in sin and I feel I can tell her to go but I just simply won't. Na ye your man has some kind of commitment issues aka phobia. YOu have to fix what you think is wrong. As much as you want your man, does he want you?
Reply from: Sbam Tuesday, June 21, 2011 14:28 PM
Give him the space he needs and go on with ur life.  Maybe he is evil like he told u, and  by leaving him, u'll be doing urself a favour.
 Neva wish anybody to stay if they don't want to, otherwise you will have to maintain their stay forever & that will cost you.
Reply from: makisto Tuesday, June 21, 2011 14:43 PM
Very well said Sbam
Reply from: Maya012 Tuesday, June 21, 2011 14:54 PM
I hear you guys.

I think we need to sit down and have a serious talk. I liked some of the things VusiK cause I realized that's how I feel about our relationship.

I'll know what to do after THE TALK.

But Sbam he gives me mixed signals and I think he's a little confused and just playing mind games. Cause everytime I wanna walk away completely he won't hear of it. I've gone so far as being convinced that he just wants to have his cake and eat it too, live seperately so he can fuck around cause at the moment he doesn't get a chance.

We do almost everything together as I said we met though mutual friends so his friends are mine vice versa.

Sometimes I think its karma that all these bad things are happening.
Cause I used to be a very bad girl, very very bad girl and I've never had a serious relationship before him. And then I met him and I just seemed to change over night so to speak. I WANTED to change after he came into my life. I wanted to be a better girlfriend for him.

MaWiNiZa the weird thing is I haven't even spoken about marriage and kids and meeting the family. We were just having fun for now. If this is him freaking out I don;t understand what's there to freak out about.
Reply from: Mafresh Tuesday, June 21, 2011 14:58 PM

Tjo makisto...25 for real??

Reply from: maddie Tuesday, June 21, 2011 15:22 PM
aga shem boontjies u'll b fine wa utlwa

my advice listen to the men on this blog they'll giv u great advice

And let me just add that I’m a very pretty girl, great personality, outgoing, cook, clean and I have man practically banging down my door. Not too sound cocky or anything, but I’m most men’s dream. But I don’t want other man. It’s him I want. But now I’m starting to think I should set him lose. 

I understand the point u were trying 2 make here sweety.

most pretty gals make a mistake of thinking that just cos they're pretty men won't leave 'em , wont cheat or mistreat 'em Halle Berry, Kim Kardashian et al

Reply from: Maya012 Tuesday, June 21, 2011 15:31 PM
@ maddie. Lol. The point I was trying to make was I know looks aren't everything. I was trying to say I have the looks and the personality. I'm not an airhead like most pretty girls.
Reply from: babye Tuesday, June 21, 2011 15:31 PM

i was in a similar position with a guy same age but he clearly wasnt ready that is we were not in the same page. and from what i am gathering he is not sure about what he wants in his life. 

thing is you feel he is the one he feels you are not the one (through his actions)

how does one no that the person is with is the one????????????

Reply from: babye Tuesday, June 21, 2011 15:48 PM
meant know
Reply from: VusiK Tuesday, June 21, 2011 19:32 PM

Sometimes I think its karma that all these bad things are happening.
Cause I used to be a very bad girl, very very bad girl and I've never had a serious relationship before him. And then I met him and I just seemed to change over night so to speak. I WANTED to change after he came into my life. I wanted to be a better girlfriend for him.

Well ... Karma is a bitch with a preety face & an awesome bod I tell you ... But she is a bitch nonetheless ...

Your past does have influence on your future ... but I doubt this is the case in this instance ...

and because your past is not a factor in your present dilemma, leave it out of where you are right now ... we all have pasts ... BUT ... he may be basing some of his decisions on who you have been versus who you are & want to be ...

Finally, the last point may complicate all former points in recession because your circle of  friends are close ... and that may be part of the problem ...

Personallly, I never date friends or friends of friends ... everybody's in everybody's business and everyone knows everyone's business ... not a healthy environment to actually build a relationship ...

My philosophy is simple ... Her friends are not my friends ... and I only associate socially with people I do business with, I don't do circles of friends.. and I don't want them near me ...

Do bear these things in mind when you have that TALK ... everything is a factor, and most things are not ... however, the most important factors in anything here is YOU and HIM !!! ... but of greater importance of everything, the most important factor & person should be YOU, and what is important to YOU

Reply from: Toodecent Wednesday, June 29, 2011 13:35 PM
Sad... This just needs a prayer nje. Weigh your options try to find out what exactly is it that you want to get from this relationship and if there are chances of it coming along. Do you always want to be helper when he is in need or do you simply want to be happy with a good man..
Then you should know what to do.
Reply from: VusiK Wednesday, June 29, 2011 15:19 PM
Which reminds me ... Maya ... How did it go?
Reply from: caro Wednesday, June 29, 2011 15:29 PM
your his galfriend after all ,not a helper, nanny or mother dt he can out to weneva he messed up. get up and dust yourself gal, walk with your head held high, and d point bein dis guy thinks livin wit him means more commitment wich he is nt ready  for even though it ws neva mentioned in the first place.

SEEKIN HELP 4M US SHUD B AN EYE OPENER DT SUMTHING IS REALLY RONG, SO IF ITS NOT BROKEN, DN FIX IT, IF U CANT FIX IT , LEAVE IT ALONE.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reply from: Maya012 Wednesday, June 29, 2011 15:31 PM

I moved out for about a week. Needed some time apart and time for myself. To think and sort though everything that was going on in my head and suprisingly, as short as that week was we kind of reconnected. And things are okay.

But I'll be moving out permanently in the next few months. And we'll continue with the relationship. And I told him that I'm done working twice as hard to make this work. And I'm putting him in the drivers seat now. And I've made peace with the fact that he can possibly fuck this up and I'm suprisingly okay with it. I don't feel like a failure. And I don't feel pathetic about all that's happened. 

A part of me is still holding on to that hope that one day we'll come right. But a huge part of me is saying, I've done all I could and if its not meant to be, its not meant to be. So we'll see what happens after I move out.

I'll keep you guys updated...

Reply from: VusiK Wednesday, June 29, 2011 15:35 PM
Good Luck Miss ...
I trust you are making your decisions for you ... and not for your hope
There is a difference .... a very large difference ...
Reply from: Maya012 Wednesday, June 29, 2011 15:43 PM
Yes I have hope but Im not so fixated on making it work anymore. I love him. And that's why I have hope. But because I've made peace and accepted we might not work out in the end, I won't be as crushed if it doesn't happen.

Me moving out, that's more about me doing me right now.
Reply from: VusiK Wednesday, June 29, 2011 17:08 PM
I was only trying to impress on you that...

One can Hope on a Sound / Favourable Decision
But
One Cannot make a Sound / Favourable Decision on a Hope
Reply from: Trublu Thursday, October 06, 2011 09:06 AM
Hi Maya, update please. How did you Agony end???? Did it end phofu
Reply from: kid1 Thursday, October 06, 2011 10:14 AM

@maya012

please listen to your heart, th dude is not ready. the sad part is when you are in love you tend to see things that are not normal  being  normal. coz you are trying so hard to be loved. his love is not genuine and fuck society they are not with you wen you are pondering how to handle that relationship. you mingle with the same pipo find something else instead of being around them coz they are also affecting you as an individual.

pay attention to wat vusik and makisto have said it will help you

Gal u are so brave and i know you can find a way of walking away before its too late.

By the way i hate men that cry coz they are cowards and when talking make sure you go out so you see if he is gonna cry. he is just a young man who still wants to play

Reply from: VusiK Thursday, October 06, 2011 11:43 AM
We-Maya ... What is our update ... What happened since?
Reply from: VusiK Thursday, April 12, 2012 00:01 AM
MAYA ! .... You still owe us an update !
Reply from: VusiK Thursday, April 12, 2012 00:03 AM
MAYA !!!
 



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