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The story:
“It was a distant relationship. I am in Durban and he in Bloemfontein. He is my best friends colleague, so my friend played Hitch when the guy came here in Durban for some kind of workshop. He was going to stay for a week he called me when he arrived. We planned to meet and fortunately the hotel that he was staying in was closer to where I work. I liked what I saw and I thought he liked what he saw at least I thought so. I was in a crap relationship with a guy who was thinking of going back to the mother of his children because she gave birth to twins. I thought why not explore this new found attraction because my than boyfriend was in a verge of dumping me anyway.

So a day passed, he called me and sent me sms’ and all. He eventually asked me to come and stay with him at the hotel the next day since he was staying the whole week anyway. I agreed because I was hooked on the guy and needed to explore further. So we met again and one thing lead to another and we slept together. It was the only wonderful days we spent together when I really think about it.

He went back to Bloem and our relationship was always on the phone. 2 months later I went to work in Joburg for a week. He asked if he can come stay with me at the hotel because he was going to visit his family in Joburg anyway. I was overjoyed because I missed him and the chance of us seeing each other made me happy. I paid for every expense that we accumulated in that hotel and mind you I was staying at the Holiday Inn in Sandton. That was an expense I could berely afford.

Anyhow we parted again and since then I was always the one who initiated to come to Bloem. He never even once spoke of coming to Durban but I didn’t mind because I was thinking “I was in love” and didn’t mind traveling to Bloem at least once a month to see him. Also when I was there I paid for our meals. When he took me out he only paid when he took me to spur or mcdonalds and those restaurants. But when we had to go to expensive ones he will come up with excuses like his short of money and I will end up contributing to the bill. I will even pay for the car guards. This guy works as a senior “what what” at the SABC. I didn’t mind paying it because I wanted to at that time but now when I look at it he was just using me.

The thing is all the time we were going out he never really said the three letter word but I remember we spoke about it once and he said he doesn’t want to say them in passing he wanted to say them when he really mean it. I was than head over heels in love with him but couldn’t say it first because I was afraid of rejection.

My trips to Bloem were very costly but I started to realize that this was going nowhere when I went to Bloem to visit him and he didn’t give me the time of day. You see whenever I visited I will stay with my friend and he will pick me up from there and we will spend time together. Yes we will go to his place and sleep there with no problem. He never came even once to Durban in the year and two months we dated.”
The Story Ends here!



What did you find exciting about him?
The fact that he was handsome honest about what he believed in relationship wise and that he was Tswana and I’m Zulu so we communicated in English mostly and “never” ever argued about anything.

What is most exciting moment you remember most about the first chat session with him?
When he told me about the passing of his mom and how he has never really grieved her death and how that makes him feel; I thought that he was opening up to me about feelings that he has never talked to anyone about before.

So would you say you were contemplating cheating on Mr. Crap Boyfriend?
Deep down I knew that our relationship was coming to an end and had come to terms with it. So cheating is not the word to use because we weren’t seeing each other anyway it was the matter of telling each other that it was over making it official.

When you said he wanted to go back to the mother of his twins, does that mean you were the other women or he had left her for you and all of a sudden went back to her after the birth? Or did he cheat with her?
When we hooked up he and the mother of the twins weren’t seeing each other. She told him she was pregnant when we already were going out. I knew when that happened that we weren’t going to the direction that I wanted. I stayed in the relationship because I hoped that maybe it can work. When she delivered twins she stopped calling, stopped coming to my house and doing what boyfriends do. After a while I called him asking what the hell was going on and he told me he couldn’t desert his children and wara wara. So I decided I didn’t want to be in a complicated relationship especially when the guy I’m involved in is not on my side. So I called it quits.


When he invited you over to the hotel, did you think it was the beginning of a relationship or just fun?
A little bit of both. I wanted to know the guy better and explore the possibility of a relationship. I knew we didn’t have much time since he was here in Durban for a short period of time. So I went with both thoughts in my mind.

Were you hooked because your then relationship with Mr. Crap was approaching its bitter end?
Yes. The thing is I’m a kind of person that wants to work on a relationship until the end. If I had a little inkling on my mind that me and Mr. Crap had a chance of working things out I wouldn’t have agreed on meeting the guy in the first place. My friend wouldn’t even have hooked us up if she knew I was in another relationship.

How did you end up paying for all expenses during your Johannesburg work period?
The hotel was paid for one person, so having another person staying meant that I had to add to the amount that my company has paid for the extra person.

Did he ever offer to help with bills of the stay?
No he didn’t. I also didn’t mention it because I thought I could handle it. Besides I was doing it for someone I was in a relationship with. It didn’t matter that much than.


Would you say that at the time, you were a little more invested in the relationship with Mr. Bloem?
Yes. I had cut all ties with Mr. Crap and was more focused on making this one work. Also I think that I was convinced that since my relationships closer to where I stay were not working out than a distance one will definitely work.

Do you think you not standing your ground to demand him to come to Durban allowed him to take advantage?
I thought that he didn’t need to demand me to come to Bloem, so why did he need me to demand him to come to Durban? Relationships are all about doing what one wants to do, not because they are forced to do it. I wanted him to come to me on his own free will; that would have meant something to me other than me forcing him to do so.

Do you also think that the weekend in Sandton and you paying for everything marked a change in the dimension of your relationship? In that he then saw you as a cash cow instead of a real girlfriend?
I don’t think so. I think that he saw that the money is not a problem with me and decided that why should he use his money when I can do it on my own. Come to think of it, he never even offered to pay for my return ticket when I visited him. I think a caring enough boyfriend would do that.

By the way did you drive fly or use the bus to go to Bloem all those times to see him?
I took a bus all the time. It was more convenient for my friend who usually picked me up from the bus station.


So let me see if I got this correct. You traveled to Bloem at your own expense and then proceeded to pay for expensive restaurants whilst in his home town and he only paid for low cost eat outs such as McDonalds, Spur etc?
EXCACTLY

Didn’t you think this was a tad weird?
Not even once. Like they say love is blind.

How did Mr. Crap Boyfriend treat you when it comes to entertaining? Did you also pay for stuff with him?
No he was a big shot manager at some big petroleum company so he was very strict that he pays for everything.

Do you think you tried too hard to make this work due to your experience with Mr. Crap?
Yes I did. The thing is every time a relationship comes to an end. I partly blame my self for not trying too hard. I Think that if maybe I did things differently things would have come out ok but than later I realise that even if I worked my guts out for it. It would have ended anyway.

Do you really think you loved him or just his company? Someone different from Crap?
I loved him definitely and completely. Though, I was never given a chance to tell him how much exactly.


Would it have made a difference if he actually said that word?
No. I don’t think so. I think I would have been more hurt if he did but than him not saying the words kind of made it easier for me to accept that it was over.

And if you discovered he didn’t mean it?
That is exactly what it would have hurt the most.

At what point, besides realizing that the trips to Bloem are expensive, did you truly notice that this is a dead end relationship?
When he told me that he has made another woman pregnant which he apparently had a one night stand with! That the woman was trapping him and he is stressed about it because her family is now involved. He said the woman knew that he was seeing someone else but tried to trap him with a baby. He said the condom broke and the whole time he was speaking he never once considered how this will make me feel. He also didn’t want to tell me what did he want from me now that he has made his confession. To add to that the pregnant woman lives in Bloem.

How much would you say you have spent on Mr. Bloem with all the trips and related expenses?
Close to R 5 000

When he did not even give you the time of day traveling such a distance to visit him, how did it make you feel?
I remember….. I went to my friend’s bathroom and cried. Then I expected him to be there for me because than I was dealing with a lot of things in my life. I have just been cleared off a very terrible disease and was very stressed and needed to be close to people that loved me which were my friend and him. But he didn’t care, let alone give me the comfort that I needed.

Why would you stay with a friend whilst in Bloem? Didn’t he have a house or apartment?
He had his own apartment. But I wanted to give him his space to let him invite me to his apartment because he wanted to. Not because he didn’t have a choice.


How did you feel when all you could do at his place was do the tango?
I didn’t mind the tango, it was good and all.

Did this Bloem guy have a job?
Yes. He has a senior position at the SABC radio station.

After all this, he never even came to Durban and didn’t you confront him on this?
No, I never confronted him about it. I felt that it didn’t need to come to that. I shouldn’t be thinking on his behalf as well. I believed that if he cared enough he would have made efforts to come. He never even mentioned that he has intentions of coming.

Do you regret this relationship?
No I didn’t; It just taught me that even if you have worked hard on a relationship. If the other part isn’t pulling their weight, then that relationship is doomed. Also know when to get out. Don’t fight for something that is not there.

How do you feel about relationships now?
They are too much work but it is vItal that you work hard on it as much as you can so that when it doesn’t work you don’t blame yourself but move on with a clear conscience that you did try but it just didn’t work.


What advice can you give on bad relationships?
Know when to get out. A bad relationship is a bad relationship no matter what you can do. A bad relationship is like beautiful but broken china. Even if you mend it so that the next person can’t see that it was once broken, you know that the cracks are there.

Are you involved?
No. I have decided to have a bit of a break on relationships at least till I know that I am ready for another go.

Are you exercising caution and excessive financial control?
I don’t need to do that but than I will in the future.

Have you ever meet Mr. Crap after the end of Mr. Bloem’s relationship and how did you feel?
No. I have a motto that when I end a relationship, I cut all ties with the guy. It’s easier for me that way.

Has there been any attempt from Mr. Bloem to make contact?
No. I contacted him last month to tell him what I thought of him since my friend told me he is being nasty to her at work because she told me he was seeing other woman even before we broke up.


Did your friends know about this?
I tell my friends everything. They knew each and everything that was going on.

What is the best advice you have about this mess?
That love is a complicated thing and it all boils down to the methods you use to make it work

Can you describe the kind of relationship you want or looking for?
I only want a guy that has mutual love for me. If a guy truly loves me, I believe that he can be caring and kind to me, honest to me, and have all the other qualities that a man has to make a good relationship.

How do you feel about Bloemfontein?
To tell the truth I am still bitter about the place and its people even Tswana’s for that matter. I know its wrong but I know that it’s something that will pass.


By The Observer

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