I watched in horror, shock and total dismay as Oprah interviewed Susan Still retell and show us a home-video of her ex-husband brutally abusing her; calling her “stupid”, “heifer” and a whole lot of other names. The camera was being operated by their 13-year old son who would also say things that made feel physically sick.
Ulner and Susan Still at wedding
Susan and Ulner Lee Still had been together a full period of 24 years, 17 years in marriage. She says the control and over-protectiveness started very early in the relationship. He would ask her about her movements and who she was with; isolated her from family and the justification was “I care for your wellbeing”. It was all done in the pretext of being caring and concerned about her.
Well, I have been in a similar situation a long time ago – at first you really think the person cares; after a while it just feels like you can’t do anything with “permission”. The scariest thing is realizing that you feel you can’t trust anyone but him; the person makes you feel people are just jealous of your relationship. Dimago, I will eternally be grateful to you, my friend.
Abuse video clipsSusan says the physical abuse started after 10 years of marriage, after she had endured emotional and verbal abuse for the entire period of their marriage. She swears she knew the physical abuse would happen but she stayed because she wanted to give her children a “stable family life”. He had convinced her that she was "a terrible mother" and "stupid".
He constantly accused her of affairs and "not listening". When the physical abuse began she had endured years of psychological and verbal abuse. Ulner would regularly record the abuse sessions on audio tape to listen to them later on. Why? What made him do that? What pleasure did he get from listening to such tapes?
Susan after beatingWhen their 13 year old son was forced to record the home-video Oprah showed, she had already been living that life for 2 and half years. She had come to ask if he would like a sandwich and he just lost it - and recorded the abuse that followed with both their sons in the room. Her husband called her stupid 23 times and heifer 28 times in the video. The entire abuse lasted an agonizing 51 minutes; 40 minutes Susan was standing still with her husband hurling accusations at her and calling her names, 10 minutes Susan was being brutally beaten and pulled all over the room and the last minute she was told to clean up herself and her sons to get her some ice for the bruises.
Her children were always encouraged to participate and partake in the abuses. They were brainwashed to believe that their mother deserved to be treated like that. Ulner would call "family meetings" and the kids would be told to call her "White slutty whore" over and over again in unison. She says after the taped beating she spent the rest of the afternoon doing her normal chores; laundry, cooking and cleaning. This all hapenned on a Sunday afternoon when most families are just spending time together having picnics.How many other women endure this and feel trapped?
Susan Chats to OprahSusan's decision to leave came later on that day when her son was being punished for misbehaving and her husband said "You see, that. That's the road you're headed down if you don't straighten up" pointing at Susan. She says she knew that her husband would kill her by the end of the week if she did not leave.
She went to work the next day and confided in her friend, Lynne; and they planned her departure from the marriage. Lynne was also Susan's boss; she had kept a calendar of Susan's beatings and movements; missing work, leaving work early and phone conversations. She had noticed that Susan always spoke to her husband in fear and referred to him as "Master". They called the police; took pictures and developed a plan. After she left him; the police taped a phone conversation with Ulner screaming how he will "kill her".
Susan now, Lisa and Lynne (pic)
Susan's lawyer, Lisa, swears that she has never seen such arrogance from anyone. She says Ulner flirted with the female jurors and had this "I could care less attitude". He even blamed Susan for putting him in the situation. When Oprah showed a clip of the dude in the courthouse I could not believe that he was the same person!! Susan has divorced Ulner who is now serving 36 years in prison for 12 counts of assault and two counts of endangering the welfare of a child. Lisa says the conviction was not due to the video tape but the pictures, Lynne's calendar, Susan and the children testifying.
The Still's NOWOprah web says " Abuse comes in many forms—yet it does not have to be as physically violent as this videotape to still be destructive. Sometimes the abuse is emotional control and isolation from family and friends. Other times, it consists of name-calling and humiliation, economic control or threats of violence." I completely agree!
I really wonder what the statistics are for our country. How many wo/men silently suffer and live with the pain, humiliation and helplessness of an abusive partner? How many stay to give their children “a stable home with both parents”? How many wo/men/children do you know that live with fear? Do we really need “16 days of Activisim against Women and Children Abuse” when the women suffer each and every day of their lives? Is 16 days enough? Are the 16 days effective? What do you do during those 16 days?
What happens to the children in such relationships? Do they live in fear and impose fear on others? Do they believe that the life they live is “normal”? Do they blame the abused parent for all that is happening? What goes through their mind when they are coerced to participate in the abuse? Do they repeat the cycle of abuse? How do you stop or educate people that it is wrong?